Daily Drivel

2006-08-22T00:52:00.000-04:00

Aug 21 - National Spumoni Day

So I haven't published a missive in months. Apologies extended for the span of nothingness, as well as for the undoubtedly sub-par quality of the missive today. Hey, I'm rusty.
I hope this drivel finds you exhausted and stressed, as otherwise I would feel utterly alone.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Today in History: Aug 21 1614 Erzsebet Bathory, ruler of Transylvania, dies at 54. She had sought immortality by killing young virgins and bathing in their blood. It didn't work. ---dailyrotten
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Link of the Day: Courtesy of Lord Mutter http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lqivpMc9uc&mode=related&search=
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
So a woman who has been teaching Sunday School in upstate New York for the past 54 years was let go this month. No, she wasn't molesting kids. She wasn't teaching evolution. She was, instead, being a woman. By virtue of her possession of a vagina, she has broken the rules put in place by city councilman Rev Timothy LaBouf. LaBouf has the progressive view that women can perform any job they want - outside the church.

The basis of his decision? Biblical advice of the apostle Paul: "I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent."

A New York woman. Silent. Riiiiiiiiight.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Stale news, perhaps, but....did ya hear about the Croatian man who got stuck in his deck chair?

Mario Visnjic had been skinny dipping in cold water, and then flopped down on his deck chair to sun his back. Seems that certain parts of his anatomy had shrunk in the water and then...er...expanded in the warmth of the sun. And got stuck in the slats of the chair.

Mario was rescued by the beach patrol after he called them and begged in a high pitched voice for some assistance. They sent a guy over who cut the chair in half to release Mario's family jewels.

Makes a wearing a speedo not seem quite so bad, eh?
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
When two people marry, usually the wedding party is made up of best friends, relatives who are likely to be insulted if not included, and the like. Renee Biwer-Morris bucked tradition with her wedding party when she invited her close friend Henrietta to be a bridesmaid.
See, Henrietta is a hen. A bird. Poultry. Fowl. Hot wings to be. She belongs to Renees new hubby, Terry.
And even though shes a chicken, shes part of the family, and like one of our children. It is important to include her.

In the buffet, perhaps, but in the actual wedding?

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Be careful what you put in your office email.

Anica and Christina are two women who emailed each other on the company's email system, complaining about their partners' lack of sexual prowess.

Accidentally, one of them sent the email string to all of their fellow employees at the Berlin Federal Labor Office.

Who then forwarded the string on to thousands of other folks in the labor office, other government agencies, and their friends and relatives throughout Germany. They, and their boyfriends, are now national laughing-stocks.

I'm thinking that maybe Anica and Christina don't have to worry about their partners' sexual antics any more. Since they've likely been dumped.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

2006-05-08T19:23:00.000-04:00

Today in History May 8, 1999 Actress Dana Plato, who played Kimberly Drummond on Diff'rent Strokes, dies in Oklahoma of an overdose of Valium and Loritab. Just the previous day, Plato had appeared on the Howard Stern syndicated radio program claiming to be clean and sober.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Link of the Day: Gifts you should not give your mother for mother’s day. I particularly like the Goodbye Kitty, myself. http://www.americaninventorspot.com/node/871

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Tim Patch is a pretty talented Australian! He's a painter, see, but is not tied down by custom or tradition. He paints portraits...with his Penis!!

Yes, one fateful New Year's Eve, Tim showed his friends his amazing talent of painting portraits with his member, and they were all very impressed!

Tim and his staff are now populating galleries throughout Australia with penile pop art and the crowds just love it.

His latest renderings: a portrait of the Prime Minister and also of opposition leader Kim Beazley.

His mom must be just SO proud.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Prince Henrik of Denmark has animal rights folks all in a tizzy.

He recently admitted quite openly that he loves dogs.

They're tasty.

As the Prince puts it: “Dog meat tastes like rabbit. Like dried baby goat. Or perhaps - I know! - like veal. Like the veal of a baby suckling calf, only drier....dogs are bred to be eaten, just like chickens.””

Amusingly, this houndavore is the honorary president of the Danish Dachshund Club, and is rarely seen without little wiener dogs romping about near him.

Now that the animal rights folks have learned of his culinary specialties, they wish to re-open a case from the 1990's when one of the royal dachshunds disappeared.

Stolen? Perhaps not. Eaten? Entirely likely.

Stay tuned for more drama from the PETA front!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Forget chads! St Albans Tory Keith Stammers lost his council seat to Lib Dem Judith Shardlow in this most recent election after the official votes came in with a tie.

After 3 recounts, Judy and Keith were tied with 1,131 votes each for the position. To settle the issue, the candidates had to pull pencils - whomever got the longest pencil got the short end of the stick / lost.

Keith drew the long stick, and Judy is now Mayor.

How odd.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

A 36 year old Dutch dude was involved in an OJ-esque police chase this past week.

Dude was driving along at a whopping 6 mph when a cop noticed his infraction. The cop pulled his car up, parked it, jumped out and ran after the car.

He jumped into the passenger's seat and ordered the driver to pull over.

Dude was found (shockingly) to be under the influence of drugs, and his license was revoked for 12 hours.

The snozberries taste like snozberries!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Carolina Carreno and Francisco Vargas went to a hoity toity resort in Quinta Region, Chile, for their honey moon. The bride was a vision of joy with her waist-length blonde hair as she and her darling went for a dip in the swimming pool.

As they came out, she was a vision of horror, as her hair had turned a hideous shade of green. She and Fran are suing the resort now.

Per her new hubby: "At first, when I saw the hair, I tried to say something funny to calm her down, but she was really angry. And now everyone is calling her the incredible hulk!"

Francisco:
Lesson #1 - never joke about your wife's hair, especially if it has turned green.

Lesson #2 - don't go making the situation worse by talking to the press about it.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Ladies, you may now go on the subway in NY and not worry about having some bootlicker come up and slobber on your Jimmy Chu's.

Cops have finally caught 23 year old Joseph Weir and are holding him as he awaits trial for serial foot licking in the subways of Manhattan.

He is accused of repeatedly approaching women on the trains, asking to be their slave, grabbing their ankles and yanking them off their feet. Then he allegedly would kiss and lick their shoes and ankles, sometimes removing the footwear in his eagerness.

He has admitted to doing this to at least 70 women in the past 3 years, but the suspicion is that he has tasted leather from many more than that.

Ew.

2006-05-02T19:51:00.000-04:00

Today in History: May 2 1957 Mob figure Frank Costello is shot in the head by Vincent "the Chin" Gigante. Instead of killing him, the bullet circumnavigates between his skin and cranium, exiting through the original wound. Costello retires from the Mafia soon after. –dailyrotten

*****************************

Link of the Day: http://www.stuffucanuse.com/fake_moon_landings/moon_landings.htm

More proof that the moon landings were faked.

***************************

83 year old Gayadhar Parida is one stubborn old man. Fifty years ago, he was a huffy middle aged man. He had a tiff with his wife and climbed up in a tree a la Keith Richards, and has refused to come down for 50 years.

Word is that he spends most of his time hanging out with the snakes and bugs, coming down only to sip water from a pool.

His family leaves food at the bottom of the tree to coax him down, but they’re not able to capture the ornery guy.

Meow.

An inquisitive mind is usually something folks like to see in their kids. Not so much the mother of this 17 year old Japanese girl.

See, kiddo had grown tired of poisoning small animals, watching them die, and then storing them in formaldehyde in her bedroom. Therefore, she decided last August to poison her mom. Not only did she start feeding her mother a continuous supply of thallium , she kept a running documentary of the woman's demise, blogging written details as well as photo images as her body failed her.

Mom is now in the hospital in a coma - not likely to come out of it, from what I understand. (Kiddo even continued poisoning her when she was put in the hospital! Now that she’s in a coma, well, it’s a bit more difficult.)

This loving daughter is being sent to reform school, though she doesn't seem to understand what reform she could possibly need. When asked if she held a grudge against her mom, the answer was no. She just wanted to experiment.

What ever happened to pulling wings off butterflies?

********************************

Now THIS is news.

David Blaine is at it again, in case you didn’t know.

This time the amazing Blaine is hanging out in a bubble of water for a week, then binding himself with 150lbs of chains, ripping off his breathing device, and trying to hold his breath for nine minutes as he unlocks himself from his self-applied prison.

Wow.

Sure hope he doesn’t have to poo while he’s in there.

That would be gross.

***************************

Speaking of Poo…

Malaysian government is tired of everyone thinking that they have stinky bathrooms. So tired, in fact, that they are holding a big old Potty Pow Wow!

At the National Toilet Summit, held Aug 24 - 25, the founder of the World Toilet Organization - Jack Sim - will share his toilet management expertise and there will be much brainstorming regarding improvements to be made (such as, uh, providing TP, soap, water, and maybe even toilet seats).

Folks are flush with anticipation.

***************************

Those out there with pets understand just how tough it can be to plan a family vacation that includes Fido. Lots of American hotels just plain don't like furry buddies but DO put up with snot nosed unruly kids.

There's a hotel in Austria that has an opposing view. Monstrous children are no longer welcome at the Hotel Cortisen in St Wolfgang. The hotel was just redecorated and the owner doesn't want any brats about: "kids will put their dirty paw-prints on the white walls, stand on the white leather sofas in their dirty shoes, and scream and run around and disturb other guests. I have decided to make a stand and I am sure others will follow suit and say no to kids. From today, children are no longer welcome - and I plan to advertise it as I am sure it will attract guests."

Can you bring your pup along, though?

"I don't have a problem with dogs... dogs are always welcome in my hotel."

Just stick the kiddos in a kennel for a week.

No prob.

***************************

2006-01-31T18:28:00.000-05:00

So this guy went to visit the Fitzwilliam Museum in Cambridge, England, and had a truly smashing time. As he was gazing at the priceless items, he accidentally tripped over his untied shoelace. He careened down a stairway, knocking three 17^th/18^th century Qing Dynasty vases off of their resting place of the past 40 years. CRASH!!!!!!!!

Dude was redfaced, but unhurt – in spite of the shards of porcelain flying about from the shattered vases. The curators of the museum are taking it all in stride.

When asked about the state of the vases, the response was: “They are in very, very small pieces, but we are determined to put them back together.”

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Meanwhile, in Wakefield, Mick Woods settled down to make himself a ham sammich. For unknown reasons, as he opened the package of ham, he read the ingredients list. Included there in, in big bold letters right there in front of God and everyone, the package stated that it contained……dog shyte.

Yep. Poopies. Tootsie rolls. Doggie donuts. Poodle presents. Collie cookies. Beagle biscuits. Cockapoo…er…poo.

H R Hargereaves & Son has fired the employee that conducted the prank, and Mick is satisfied. But he won’t be having any ham sammiches again for a while.

2006-01-13T18:18:00.000-05:00

Today in History: January 13, 1943: Hitler declared ‘Total War’. He lost.

Interestingly enough, this same day in 1979, the Young Men’s Christian Association filed a libel suit against The Village People for their hit ‘YMCA’. They lost too.

**********************************

Link of the Day: http://www.worth1000.com/cache/contest/contestcache.asp?contest_id=8558&display=photoshop#entries

Photoshop contest: beer swap – replace any object with a beer related product.

**********************************

There comes a point where sticking to a promise is, well, just plain weird.

Take, for example, the wish of Johannas Pope of Cincinnati OH. Johannas always told everyone that she didn’t want to be buried after her death, because she planned on returning from the Great Beyond. So, when she kicked the bucket while upstairs watching TV in August of 2003, her caretaker did what any good friend would do. Left her sitting in her comfy chair in front of the switched-on television, turned on the air conditioner, and locked the body in the room.

For 2 and a half years.

Family members and the over the top caretaker continued to live in the downstairs section of the house, but nobody was to disturb Johannas. The special discovery of her somewhat chilled remains was made as a result of a phone call from a relative who noticed that he hadn’t heard from her for a couple of years.

See, this is why you send out Christmas cards every year. So people know if your dead body is propped up in front of Wheel of Fortune in an air-conditioned upstairs room, see. ‘Cause it happens.

**********************************************

I hate it when I go to Hibachi or where ever and the gleeful cook does that thing with his spatula and wings a shrimp through the air and expects me to catch it like a trained seal. The pressure is just too much for me. Now I, and anyone who shares my discomfort with like situations, may call upon the following anecdote as a fine excuse to decline shrimp tossage:

In Mineola, NY, a man with the unfortunate name of Jerry Colaitis stopped in the Munsey Park Benihana for a fun evening of hibachi style food. Jerry didn’t want the chef to throw the shrimp. He REALLY didn’t want to try to catch it in his mouth. So when the chef cheerfully whopped the shrimp towards Jerry, Mr Colaitis ducked violently to avoid being smacked by the crustacean.

Poor Jerry. He wrenched his neck when he ducked. Wrenched it so badly, in fact, that he required surgery. Many months later Jerry developed complications from the surgery.

And died.

Jerry’s family has decided that he never would have died if he didn’t have the surgery, and he wouldn’t have had the surgery if he hadn’t wrenched his neck, and he wouldn’t have wrenched his neck if that dastardly Benihana chef hadn’t lobbed the shrimp at him.

So they’re suing Benihana for wrongful death.

Speaking of the dead…

Jose Serra is mayor in the Brazilian city of Sao Paulo. Jose doesn’t like the way the folks at cemeteries are so…er…quiet, and lack energy. He desires to “enable residents to exercise regularly”, and therefore is proposing the construction of circular running tracks in 22 of the city’s cemeteries. Protesters really want Jose to leave the dead alone and not make the living run around with ghosts, but Jose is adamant: "The people of the city are in need of good activity areas, so this is an amazing option to use up spaces with intelligence."

Boo.

2005-12-24T11:25:00.000-05:00

Hm. Wonder how this one happened.
Known facts:

Chick had fight with guy.
Chick had cell phone.
Cell phone became lodged in her throat.

One story: she didn't want her boyfriend to have the phone, so she tried to swallow it.
My theory: boyfriend was tired of her big fat mouth and the stupidity coming from it and shoved the phone in her mouth and she accidentally started to swallow it.

Hm.

Either way, 'tis deemed stupid in my book.

2005-12-24T11:24:00.000-05:00

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
eBay Bully!!

When dealing with the public, it's important to present a professional
and friendly image to the customer, especially when it comes to
after-the-sale service.

Tina and Dwayne Schimke saw a really cool bike on eBay and placed a bid
on it.  After winning the auction, Tina and Dwayne were confused about
the shipping costs they were going to incur so they contacted the
seller
with their questions.

And that, my friends, was the beginning of the end for them.  Seems
that
Frank Esquitin, aka the eBay Bully, doesn't LIKE people asking him
about
his prices.  His professional and well thought out response to their
question went something like this:  "I know exactly where you f---ing
live. E-mail me again and see what happens to your little b---- a--."

Word is that Frankie boy has a temper and doesn't mind showing it.  In
fact, there was another family who dared to ask him a question about
some goods they won just a bit ago.  Frank decided to harrass them via
phone, calling the household 37 times to let them know what morons they
were and to threaten them with death. 

Frank is still out there selling, using at the very least the following
eBay aliases:  Old School Riderz, Cool Cat Cycles and Cool Cat Biker. 

So if you're bored, and want to watch someone go ballistic just for
fun....send him a question or two, eh?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Pumping Judge's Trial Cancelled.  Again.

Remember former creek County District Jusdge Donald Thompson?  Used to
sit on the bench playing with himself and his wingding pump during
murder trials and such?  Of course you do.

Back at the end of 2003 folks finally tired of the distracting whompy
whompy whompy sound during court & pressed charges.  Well, he STILL
hasn't had his trial.  His lawyers have now managed to get the trial
pushed back even more, arguing that he deserves a preliminary trial
because the charges against him have changed...seems that rather than
being tried for 3 known personal carnival events, he's being charged
for
holding his private parties about 49 times in public.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%



_______________

2005-12-19T01:35:00.000-05:00

Link of the Day is courtesy of Bitter Biff of New York: Better than an aluminum beanie, it's a Thought Screen Helmet how-to! Save yourself!!

http://www.stopabductions.com/

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Christmas in New York

You thought the hanging Santa was something special? How about the

murderous Santa currently on display outside of a Manhattan

mansion!! Check this out:

Joel Krupnik and Mildred Castellanos have created a wild display in

front of their home. The beautiful Christmas tree is decked out

with decapitated Barbie Dolls, and peeking around the back is a

sinister knife wielding Santa holding up a special treat. Said

treat is a head of a doll with blood gushing from its eye sockets!

Krupnik wants to bring Christ back to Christmas, and clearly he has

chosen the correct route. What says peace, joy, and love better

than a serial killing Santa with a doll fetish?

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

More Proof that Women are Insane

Brigitte Tullman is a bad roommate. See, Brigitte didn't like the fact that Lisa Burgermeister (I'm serious - Burgermeister!!) was dating Brigitte's EX boyfriend.

So Brigitte mixed hair removal cream in with BurgermeisterMeisterburger's shampoo, hoping that the victim would become patchy or bald, and therefore undesireable.

Sadly for Brigitte, the mix actually created a caustic product which in fact severely burned Lisa's hands before she could apply it to her mane of hair.

Brigitte's in trouble with the law now, and Lisa...well...her fingerprints may now be a bit different. But she still has a boyfriend.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

2005-12-10T09:48:00.000-05:00

Today in History: December 9 1942 Dick Butkus was born! YAY!!!
Also on this day in 1999, President Bill Clinton signed very important and widely impacting legislation to outlaw "crush videos", which generally involve women in high heels stomping things like frogs and mice.

***************************

Link of the Day: Oh. My. Goodness. We love you cosmic people! http://www.universe-people.com/english/default_e.htm

TALKS WITH INSTRUCTIONS FROM MY COSMIC FRIENDS Current reports (chapter II. – VIII.), with instructions for how to ensure contacting the creator and other cosmic friends is especially moving.

Wow.

***************************

I Promise, I Will Never Die

Unless you are immortal, you may want to think twice about moving to the town of Biritiba-Mirim, Brazil. Why? Well, because Mayor Roberto Pereira da Silva has decided to put up a law making it illegal for residents of this town to die.

Likewise, if a relative of a person in this town happens to die younger than expected, said relatives may be fined or put in jail. The law has not yet been voted upon, but gym memberships are on the rise in preparation.

Roberto is concerned because, you see, Biritiba-Mirim's cemetery is chock full of corpses and there's nowhere left to put anyone who dies.
So that's it: no dying. Or else.

***************************

Ho Ho 'Ho'

In a Christmas display possibly more horrific than the bound and gagged Swinging Santa in Florida, Joe Moretti of Cranston, RI, has erected something truly disturbing on his lawn this year. Paris Hilton.

Yes, Joey's seasonal greeting to passersby has taken the form of multiple blown-up images of the mensa candidate surrounded by pink lights. Even her little "dog" Tinkerbell appears in the festive display. Words of wisdom from Paris are also displayed, as well as just a peek of holiday cleavage.

Whoo hoo!

****************************

Job Fair Etiquette Gaff

FYI: If you are planning to attend a careers fair, it would likely be a good idea not to wander around with your fly down, whip out your wingding, and commence to color it with a highlighter pen.
Misha Sulpovar learned that the hard way in Missouri recently. Not only did he not get the job, but he also was arrested. His defense?
It wasn't lewd:
It was art.
Performance art.
Yeah, that's the ticket!

****************************

Leash Law Gone Amok

Pamela McMahan lives in a hoity toity condominium in Long Beach California. She is a silly woman, who walks her 20lb mixed breed spaniel on a daily basis, often walking the dog through the condo lobby and out the doors making use of an item called a 'Leash'. Said leash keeps the dog under her control, and keeps it from running away. Many folks believe that using a leash is a good thing.

Not Pam's Condo Association. They fine her $25 every time she walks the dog out of the building on the leash, stating that all dog owners must CARRY their dogs out of the lobby (regardless of size).

Why? Because leashes are hazardous to elderly people, who could get tangled up in them.

Okay! Makes perfect sense to me!

****************************

2005-12-09T09:31:00.000-05:00

This day in History: December 8, 1980: John Lennon's popularity is revived due to his being shot to death outside the Dakota by "a local lunatic". Also on this day, in 1941, the day after Pearl Harbor, the 4th Interceptor Command reports two formations of enemy planes approaching Los Angeles, spotted in the San Francisco area. Fortunately, the seagulls do not bomb the city.

***********************

Link of the Day, for those still racing through Christmas Shopping - Toys for Dull Children!!! http://www.babybushtoys.com/

***********************

Mary and Jesus sighted in West Virginny!!

John Mize of Crawley, WV, was cleaning out his car and checked out the mess that was under the car seat.

It was then that he realized how it was that he had, over the past spate of time,graduated from law school, passed the bar exam, gotten a job as a law clerk and even avoided a traffic ticket.

For what was under his seat was none other than Mary and the Baby Jesus!!!

Their limited engagement in John's car was in the form of crushed Funyons snacks. Miraculously, the Funyons were in the shape of Jesus and his mom.
John is convinced that these are lucky spiritual Funyons, which brought him luck lo these many months.

They also brought him over $600 when he recently auctioned them off via eBay.

Huh.
***********************

In Miami Beach, FL, folks are up in arms over a different kind of Christmas display in their neighborhood. Seems one of their neighbors bound and gagged a life sized Santa Claus doll and hung it from the big tree in his front yard.

Neighbors are aghast and children are frightened by the swinging Santa.

The homeowner? He says he's just expressing his freedom of speech.

Ho HO!

For pics of the horror, click here: http://www.nbc4.tv/slideshow/holidays/5482428/detail.html?qs=;s=1;p=holidays;dm=ss;w=400

***********************

A bank robber patiently waited in line at the Landeskbank-Hypothekenbank in Vienna. (Say THAT ten times fast!). He got to the counter, and showed the clerk something he stated was a bomb and demanded money.

Maria Bertel, the clerk, misunderstood his request, thinking he just wanted to make a normal withdrawal. Maria told him she didn't "deal with money here and [told him ] to go to the next counter."

Miffed by this rude service, and unwilling to wait in yet another long line, the robber left the bank. It was only then that Maria realized her gaff and called police.

***********************

Talk about butch! Carla Aguilera was arrested in Peru for robbery, but when cops arrested her she claimed her name was Manuel Martin Aguilar. She was checked out by numerous police officers, but "none noticed she was a woman".

So Carla was tossed into a men's prison and hung out there for a month or so. An anonymous phone call alerted the police to the fact that she lacked certain chromosomal traits that make someone a male. She was given a full medical exam and it was concluded that yes, indeed, Carla was a chick.

Carla was swiftly moved to a women's prison, and she's not happy. Say police: "She looks and acts exactly like a man, it was impossible to see that she is a woman. She insists she is a man and wants to be transferred back to the male prison!"

***********************

A church youth group from the Katzwanger church in Nuremburg, Germany, has put out a calendar that has other church members' panties in a bunch. It's a lovely calendar with pictures of people portraying different biblical scenes, like Delilah snipping Samson's hair and Eve offering Adam a an apple (wedged between her breasts) and the like.

Only thing that is ticking off the rest of the church? All the models are nude and hot hot hot. There's also Jesus being baptized, Salome doing her hottie dance, and Isaac being sacrificed.

Winfried Roehmel, a spokesman for the region's Catholic archdiocese, said: "It is not acceptable to pose naked in a church. The right way to approach the Holy Scriptures is not by pulling your pants down."

Hee hee hee

2005-12-03T04:09:00.000-05:00

Today in History: December 2, many many many years ago, Kimberly Aggermon Burnett was born. A few days later, dirt was originated as well.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Link of the Day, courtesy of Lord Mutter:

http://oneredpaperclip.blogspot.com/2005/07/about-one-red-paperclip.html

Another special link that I found on THAT link is this: http://stuffonmycat.com/

Stuff + Cat = Awesome!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Rejected Man Certifiable

Petru M, a love struck guy from Botosani (Romania) asked his girlfriend to marry him. Sadly for Petru, chica said thanks but no thanks.

Well Petru didn't like that and has now attempted to lodge a complaint with consumer protection officials because he really is prime marriage material. The consumers office refused his request (likely because it's stupid).

Dude wanted a test of some sort and then to receive a certificate of husbandliness so that he could prove to his ex girlfriend that he's really a keeper.

Uh, yeah.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Santa Smacks Boy to Keep Others Calm

Peter Hendriks was ho ho ho-ing it up at a Dutch shopping center, doing the loving seasonal gig of portraying Santa Claus. Little tykes came up, sat on his lap, greedily stated their wishes and proceeded off, just as they should.

Except for one boy. This little kiddo was curious and pulled on Santa's beard. So what did Santa do? Whacked him across his backside, much to the surprise and dismay of dozens of shoppers.

His defense: "If I hadn't done that, he would have pulled off my beard and dozens of children would have been traumatized."

Yeah. Better to have the dozens of children witness him smacking a kid. MUCH better.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

More Santa Spirit

Meanwhile in Massachusetts, little 4 year old Michelle Grigorian didn't even get the chance to be smacked about by the jolly old elf. Why? Because her mom couldn't afford the $21 picture that often goes along with shopping mall Santas.

Yep, little Michelle just wanted to climb up on Santa's knee and tell him what she wanted for Christmas, but without buying a pic, Michelle was persona non grata.

Kiddo left the North Shore Mall in Peabody sobbing, and had to go find a different elf at a different mall to hear her wish list. But at least she wasn't hit.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Those Wacky Canadians

The Millbrook First Nation, a Nova Scotia aboriginal band, wanted to pay homage to Glooscap - a central figure of Mi'kmaq mythology. Therefore, they erected a huge statue of Glooscap to greet and welcome people by the side of Highway 102.

Erected seems to be the key word: due to the unique positioning of Glooscap's saluting arm, the mythological being appeared to have certain appendages of epic proportion. Folks driving north up HWY 102 received quite a treat as they gazed upon the wonder that was Glooscap.

Nation elders got tired of people mocking Glooscap, and now are spending about $27K to have Gloosie's arm lopped off and replaced by a slightly smaller and differently positioned limb. When it is reattached, hopefully next week, Glooscap will have his harm hanging by his side.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I Will Not Eat That, Sam I Am!

A confused Swedish drama student is in trouble with the law after reading hard core pornographic stories to a group of 6-year-olds. Seems he didn't realize that reading stories about children having oral sex was inappropriate for the setting and that perhaps the Three Little Pigs would be more acceptable. The excuse: He was working on a theatre project on children's sexuality and the stories weren't meant to be pornographic.

Uh huh.

2005-11-22T22:25:00.000-05:00

Today in History: November 22, 1963, John F Kennedy is assassinated. Eerily, on the same date in 1980 May West died. Now if that doesn't make ya think, I don't know what will.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Link of the Day: Swanksigns. www.swanksigns.org/gallery.asp Swanksigns is a huge gallery of odd and off-kilter street signs which are just begging to be mocked. These are real signs, not photoshopped.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Parker T Hall Houghtaling not only has a very long name, he apparently also has a very long neck! How else could one explain how Parker has had his head struck by a train two times? Three years ago, Parker was at a subway station in Manhattan when he stuck his head out and BAM was slammed by a subway car. He went to the hospital, got all better, and continued on with his life.
Then just this past Friday, Parker was again craning his neck out to see where the train was (this time in Poughkeepsie) and BATTABAM he was whacked in the head by yet another train. (He's in the hospital again, this time in stable condition)

Fool me once....

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Jesus has come again. And for a limited time he is appearing on a plant pot in Cozumel, Mexico. The Pot o' Miracles shows Jesus' face and is credited for having kept 200 guests at the Occidental Grand resort safe during the terrible destruction of Hurricane Wilma. (It may have had some help from the sturdy storm shelter that was built at the hotel specifically for protection against strong hurricanes and storms, but likely not).
Amazingly, not only did the humans survive the storm, but the plants that were in the pot itself --- they are alive as well.
Yep.
I mean it.
Jesus is on a pot and the plants in the pot are alive.
And if you need more proof of Godliness in this world, well, then, you're going to hell. No offense, but you are.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Benedict Frank was simply trying to prove to health and safety inspectors that his club was not a fire trap...then it kind of burnt down.
Benny owns the Cabaret Club, a strip club, in Switzerland. Some safety inspectors came into the club to inspect....uh....safety stuff, and commented that his paper decorations looked like they could be a fire hazard. Benny pish poshed that idea, whipping out a lighter and setting one of the pretty ornaments ablaze. Which then set another one ablaze, and then the walls, and then the roof, and then the neighboring restaurant....

Ultimately, Benny burnt both buildings completely to the ground.
Those safety inspectors are GOOD!!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Remember the world's ugliest dog? That nasty snaggle toothed hairless long toenailed possessed by Satan Chinese crested beast? It's dead. Kicked the proverbial bucket this past Friday. Carry on.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Jeremy Miljour and his family jewels were hanging out asking women to be friendly the other day. Cops came along, and quick thinking Jeremy started to high tail it outta there. The overzealous cops however, wanted Jeremy to stay put, and one of them whipped out his Taser and...accidentally...shot it . Well, actually, word is that one of the prongs of the Taser got kind of stuck on one of Jeremy's...uh....valuables.

So Jeremy stopped. Abruptly. He now is much more...sensitive...to the law.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Serbia has a bunch of sensitive guys following in Jeremy's footsteps, it seems. A sadistic fertility expert, Dr Sava Bojovic, is promoting the use of a little electrical shocker to stun little swimmers before couples bond.

Somehow while Sava discovered the 'benefits' of zapping wing dings while working with a childless couple, and now is recommending that this new version of contraception be used.

Shockingly, the practice isn't catching on too swiftly.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I'm sure you've already heard this, but sheesh! Some stupid French woman was nervous about flying. So she decided to pop a few pills and drink a few drinks before she got on the plane.

So Sandrine Helene Sellies staggered onto the plane, plopped herself in her seat, and successfully made it through take off. Then she decided it would be a fine time for a cigarette. She took her unlit cigarette and a lighter (hey - aren't they prohibited??) and wobbled on up to the emergency exit so she could step outside for a little smokey smoke.

Luckily (??) Sandrine had not yet mastered the art of drunkenly opening large aircraft emergency doorways, and was stopped by a flight attendant. Sandrine's lawyer says that Sandrine really was just sleepwalking and has absolutely no memory of the incident. Her penalty? A teeny slap on the wrist and the threat of having to pay a $1,000 fine if she ever tries to break out of a flying vehicle again.

2005-10-26T12:11:00.000-04:00

Today in History: October 26 1997 Basketball great Charles Barkley is charged with aggravated battery and resisting arrest after throwing 20-year-old man Jorge Lugo through a plate glass window in an Orlando, Florida dance club. Barkley later tells reporters: "I regret we weren't on a higher floor." -dailyrotten

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Link of the Day: In this day and age of computer graphics wizardry and worldwide circulation via the internet and email, hoaxes and urban legends are spreading like never before. Study the ten photographs. See if you can tell whether the photo is genuine or a clever put-on.
http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/4462/real_or_hoax1.swf

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Live Music Alert!

Venturing out on his own, nonsucky band member Markus Norvick will be playing his VERY FIRST solo show Friday night (the 28th) at the 4W5 Café in Wilmington. He'll be opening up for a band called Clive, which is having their debut cd release party. Mark totally does not suck when he plays with Sauerwine, what say we see if he continues on his path of nonsuckiness Friday? Be there or be obtuse!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

From the enraged Lord Mutter...

In a stroke of incomprehensible stupidity, Rome, Italy, has banned goldfish bowls because animal rights idiots say that life in a fishbowl is, indeed, no life at all. Additionally, no more fish or other animals will be awarded as prizes at fairs or carnivals.

Word is that living in a fishbowl makes little fishies go blind, and it's just wrong wrong wrong. As Monica Cirinna, the lunatic behind the by-law says, "It's good to do whatever we can for our animals...the civilisation of a city can...be measured by this."

Yes....well.....

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

New Jersey Tax Dollars At Work

Newark New Jersey's city council is tired of reading news about crime, poverty, joblessness and the like. So what's a city council to do? How's about award the Newark Weekly News a $100,000 no-bid contract to publish nothing but positive news about the city? Nothing but sunshine. Nothing but joy. Nothing but feel-good-rainbows-and-butterflies "news".

Per Howard Scott, owner of the newspaper, ""Do we have critical reporters on staff? No. Do we have investigative reporters? No. Our niche is the good stuff. "

The terms of the contract also include the following: the paper can ONLY follow leads from the council and from the mayor's office. And all of the news MUST be positive.

In Newark. New Jersey.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

So the other night around 4am in Graz, Austria, a 23 year old man finished off several bottles of red wine, climbed onto the ledge of a fourth floor window, shouted out "I am Superman! Nothing can happen to me!" and jumped.

Turns out he is not superman. Dude was saved by landing on part of a lower section of roofing, and is now hospitalized with head and back injuries.

Talk about a hang over.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

FYI: World Peace Has Been Achieved

Yogmata Japaki has created a better world...by burying herself for 3 days.

Yep, Yog buried herself in an underground pit with no food or water for 72 hours in a belief that her actions would bring peace and order to the earth.

She just crawled back out of the pit and has stated: "I have prayed so that there is no suffering or disturbance. I am very happy that love and peace will be there."

Word is that Yog is buying a subscription to the Newark Weekly News.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

2005-10-11T21:05:00.000-04:00

UNICEF abandons images of starving children in Africa.


UNICEF Belgium's spokesman Philippe Henon says the public "is not
easily
motivated to do things for humanitarian causes and certainly not when
it
involved Africa or children in war."  So he decided to mix it up a bit
with UNICEF's latest campaign, and present something that would truly
pull at the heartstrings of humanity:  in the newest campaign, the
victims of the war are............Smurfs.

Yup, the 20 second commercial opens with scenes of happy birds and
butterflies and joy, with happy little smurfs smurfing about smurfily.
Suddenly, out of the sky, bombs are dropped upon the unsuspecting blue
folk.  Houses erupt in flames, Smurfette herself is blown to
smithereens, and little orphan smurfs are left to smurf things out for
themselves.  'Tis truly shocking to the senses to see the little
cartoon
characters erupt into blue goo.

Sadly, this campaign is indeed having a strong impact, and donations
are
up already.  "We get reactions from all over the place," said Henon.
"People are shocked and want to know the reasons behind this cartoon
image."


Smurf that.

2005-09-28T21:04:00.000-04:00

Today in History: Sep 28 1994 The world fails to end for a Borneo doomsday cult based in Sabah, after authorities arrest nearly 200 members, more than 50 of whom are children. The armed group was garbed in yellow robes and intended to perform a human sacrifice before the End Time. --dailyrotten

******************************
Link of the Day: Just another time waster game. Squishy squishy. http://www.mattfacer.com/daddy-long-legs/

******************************
Mapquest: "Extraterrestrial Route, PR"

So the folks in Puerto Rico really like their extraterrestrials, and want them to feel at home. What better way than to dedicate a landing slip to the flyboys?

Seems a local elementary school teacher has been communicating regularly with the space folk, and they want to come down and set a spell. He has received approval from the mayor to install the landing strip in anticipation of their visit. The landing strip will be 80-feet long and have pyramids as control towers because aliens like pyramids. Says Reynaldo Rios, the teacher, "I can't say exactly when they will come, but I know it will happen. I want to keep believing in my dreams."

******************************
But But But But WHY?????????

71 year old Wang Xiaobei has pulled a car with her teeth 65feet. Yay.
She attached a rope to the car, wrapped the other end with a handkerchief, and clamped down.
She has apparently been practicing feats of strength with her teeth for about 1/2 her life.

Well then.
Isn't that something?

******************************
From Incumbent Chief Mid Atlantic Correspondent Lord Mutter:

"When a hockey coach argues with a referee, should he: A) Accept that the referee is always right? B) Yell at the referee and question his parentage? C) Undo pants and expose himself?"

The 42 year old assistant coach of the Airdrie bantam A Lightning team didn't quite like the ruling passed down by a referee during a game played by 13 and 14 year old boys. Wanting to show good sportsmanship and set a good example for the kids, dude challenged the ref. Things got heated and testy, so coach did what any sane individual would do: he dropped trou to show his true thoughts.

Charges of 'committing an indecent act' have been pressed against the coach, and he has been relieved of duty for the time being.

A parent at the game sums it up quite nicely, I think: "When you've got 14-year-olds out there ... coaches are supposed to be role models, not jackasses."

Exactly.

******************************
Ousted Yet Determined To Regain His Title of Chief Mid Atlantic Correspondent, Broadway Glenn provides this tidbit:

"Holy sushi! If you believe they put a man on the moon and did not film it in a sound stage in Texas, then you might believe this too.

This Japanese scientist has caught on tape a giant squid in action. It's at 1800 feet down. Darn that's deep. They don't believe that they come to the surface and attack ships, but hey, stranger things have happened.

Godzilla was nowhere to be found that day."

Yep, a Japanese scientist, Tsunemi Kubodera has actually caught images of a living giant squid on film. Following sperm whales deep deep deep into the ocean, Tsunemi came upon a 25 foot squid swimming about in all its glory.

He has determined that they are much more active under water than they are when they have been washed up on the shore.

He also determined that they use their tentacles to capture their prey.

Who would've thought?

2005-08-04T21:33:00.000-04:00

Today in History: August 4 Aug 3 1996
An angry God makes "Macarena" by Los Del Rio #1 on the pop charts. The accompanying dancing disease afflicts millions before final eradication.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Link of the Day: http://www.stephaniemiller.com/declarationofrevocation.htm Britain representative has revoked US independence. Here's the declaration of revocation.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Proof reader in Big Trouble

The Lawrence Journal-World (Kansas) printed a classified ad indicating that all things at 1319 Tennessee St, Apt 3, would be thrown away if left unclaimed, so members of the community had a free-for-all picking the apartment clean. Items taken (free of charge of course) included (among other things) a TV, furniture, DVD player, Cd player, and even a kitten!

Bummer they printed the wrong address. Kris Bryan, who lives at 1319 Tennessee, #3, is less than happy with the newspaper. She was able to stop pillagers who were still ransacking her home when she returned from work, but those who were there earlier: nope, all gone.

By the way, 1339 Tennessee Street, #3, is still offering a free give away of all of the apartment contents.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

No Spooning for You

Some guys just like a wham bam thank you maam approach and then to get back to living. Some guys like to cuddle afterwards. Christopher Offord is the former, as his now-deceased wife learned last year.
Seems Chris and Dana had finished having some intimate moments and she wanted to cuddle up. Chris wanted to watch sports on TV instead. So he did what any rational individual would do: grabbed a claw hammer and slammed it into her about 70 times till she died.
He later confessed his crime at...where else...a sports bar.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Man lost job for being 'dead'

Valentin Lefter, 20, returned from vacation last month to find a letter from his employer addressed to his wife. The letter offered sincere condolences on his passing and said that any back pay would be sent to her forthwith. Val was surprised to learn he had died, and called up his boss. His boss researched and came back with the following excuse: oops - computer error.
But Val can't come back to work.
His company, Prodecam Vanatori (romania) already replaced him when he died, so he is no longer needed.

Ain't THAT a kick in the head?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Vienna police are on the lookout for an armed thief.
They have published their description of said thief:
--- Mid 20's or early 30's
--- German accent
--- HUGE nose

If you've seen him, call the cops, eh?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

From Harold No Punny Middle Name Friedline:

Teddy Akin of Ocala FL was tired of being married. His divorce proceedings had stagnated, and he really just wanted his soon-to-be-ex to finish it off for him. So when she asked him about some guy's wallet that he was carrying, he made up a bit of a story. He told Felicia (his wife) that in fact he had kind of sort of not really picked up a hitch hiker and killed him, but kept his wallet.

I guess Ted thought that F'li would just kind of say 'ick' and leave. Instead she took the unprecedented step of calling the cops and telling them!

Well, Teddy had to keep the story going, so he told the sheriff's dept that after killing the guy, he dumped the body in a forest near a gun range. The cops went out
on a huge search with dogs and all for about 7 hours Monday.

Finally, when the search turned up nothing, Teddy confided in the cops that he was really just hoping that the murder story would make F'li leave him and that it had snowballed. He had actually found the wallet in a bathroom, and didn't even know the guy.

Cops called the dude, returned the wallet, and are prepping up charges and a bill for Ted's tall tale and the expense of the ensuing search.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

2005-07-28T22:01:00.000-04:00

People all over the world are doing stupid things every day. They lop off their appendages to show love. They try to get other people in trouble and have their plans backfire in astronomical proportions. They file frivolous lawsuits. They exemplify the lowest common denominator day in and day out, and beg to be stripped from the gene pool.

You may have noticed that I often write about such individuals, as I am shocked, amazed, bemused, and amused by them and their actions. I recently received a comment from someone who was upset that I mentioned a relative's unfortunate demise back in a March writing. In a nutshell: guy wanted to get neighbor in trouble, called 911 claiming his neighbor stabbed him, then to add realism, stabbed himself. As a result, this individual died.

To that person: I'm sorry for your loss, truly I am. I am not, however, sorry for pointing out that your relative died at his own hand doing an immensely stupid act for a purpose no more noble than to get his innocent neighbor in trouble.

There are too many lunatics running the asylum, and too many people afraid of backlash from the politically correct to simply point out when someone is just plain stupid. It is sad, but it is true that this person lost his life due to fatal stupidity.

I apologize if my bluntness offended you, however stupidity offends me. The unnecessary loss of a person's life due to personal stupidity offends me. The mere fact that someone could have been old enough to be living out on his own and surviving in society and yet STILL have such a ludicrous idea - with the simple goal of getting some other guy in trouble when the desired victim was not even in the vicinity - offends me as well.

There's a belief in some circles that one should learn from others' deaths.

What could people learn from this death? Not to stab ones' self in an attempt to get a neighbor in trouble? Is that really a lesson that anyone needed to explicitly learn?

2005-07-28T21:59:00.000-04:00

Today in History: July 28 1957 A C-124 transport plane carrying three nuclear weapons jettisons its precious cargo into the Atlantic, somewhere east of Delaware and New Jersey. The bombs are never recovered. Dailyrotten. Neat!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Link of the Day: Stressed at work? Overworked and underpaid? Kind of miffed at the boss? Vent your frustrations http://www.alldumb.com/media/content/2005/07/12708.swf

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Charbel and Teresa Hamaty have 2 young children. Many months ago, when their youngest was still an infant, Charbel was kissing his baby's Buddha belly and Teresa took a picture. One of those loving the precious gift we've been given kind of pictures.

The film was dropped at Eckerd's to be developed and that's when the Hamaty family was tossed into the twilight zone.

Some insanely stupid person saw the picture on the roll of film and decided that Charbel was sexually assaulting his son.

Charbel was charged as such, and spent 6 months in jail pending trial; Teresa was arrested for taking sexually explicit pictures, released on bond, but not allowed contact with the children. The baby was taken away/put in protective custody and the other child was sent to live with relatives.

The family has been reunited now and the charges dropped etc, because an expert looked at the pics and said it was just a Buddha belly shot, and no criminal or sexual intent was present.

Reunited.
Finally.
After being ripped apart for half a year because of criminally stupid people who simply don't have the common sense of a moth.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

John Kurceba was upset when he returned to his Jacksonville, FL, home to discover that his wife had euthanized his dog. Not surprisingly, he and his wife had a heated exchange, during which he dared her to "just get the sword, bitch" -- so she did. Priscilla Kurceba grabbed a decorative sword from above the fireplace, lunged at John, and slammed that sword through his right arm and into his right side.

She has appropriately been charged with aggravated domestic battery. Her defense? He told her to do it.

John and Priscilla are, not surprisingly, getting a divorce.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Meanwhile in Thailand there was a slight modification to the regular penis loppage to show love...

Saithong Wantha's hubby, Udom Phorit, was messing around with another woman. He and the OW had fallen in love, and Udom announced to Saithong that he was leaving her forever but he would like nothing better than to have one last roll in the hay with her.

In a mad fit of keeping-my-man-itis, Saithong whopped off his wingding and tossed it behind the fence in the front yard. She then asked neighbors to take care of Udom and trotted herself on down to the police station. Neither the neighbors nor Boonsong Ansanghan (Saithong's sis) were able to find the organ for 2 hours, but ultimately they got it and Udom to the hospital, where surgery was performed.

Saithong's excuse for her actions: "I love him and I don't want him to leave."

I'm thinking that maybe he's still gonna go.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Thief 'drinks' work of art

Wayne Hill is an artist.
Wayne filled a 2 litre plastic bottle with melted ice, and called it art.
Wayne got the water from a melting glacier in Antarctica, and values it at about $85,000.
Wayne named his bottle of water "Weapon of Mass Destruction", and said it highlighted global warming.
Wayne put the water on display at a literary festival, complete with a label and description in the program.

Someone didn't know it was art.

And drank it.

Wayne says, "It was very, very clear what it was - a work of art."

I'm thinkin' not.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
According to the Video Game Rating System:

Rating M MATURE
Titles rated M (Mature) have content that may be suitable for persons ages 17 and older. Titles in this category may contain intense violence, blood and gore, sexual content, and/or strong language.

Florence Cohen bought her grandson the video game "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas", a game rated M-Mature.
Granny has started a class action suit against Rockstar Games and Take Two Interactive Software, stating they have engaged in false, misleading, and deceptive practices. Apparently the violent, bloody, sexy video game has a single code that can be plugged in which then potentially would flip it up to an A-Adults only video due to strong sexual images.

So granny is upset and thinks the world should be as well.

My question to granny: why were you buying a 14 year old a game with an M rating anyway?

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

2005-06-30T21:01:00.000-04:00

Today in History: Jun 29 1967 Actress Jayne Mansfield is decapitated in a car crash, when her convertible collides with a parked tractor-trailer. To downplay the gruesome death, sources spread the falsehood that only her wig flew off in the accident. --dailyrotten

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Link of the Day: Ten things you should do if you encounter a UFO. Very important stuff. There WILL be a test.
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2005/06/26/PKG02DC5U41.DTL

Oh, and this thing is just kind of...odd... Falling bikini chick. I don't think it's NSFW, but what the heck do I know? http://www.izpitera.ru/lj/tetka.swf

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Okay. Now the world's super powers control the weather and are purposefully causing drought in Zimbabwe for their own selfish means. So says the Zimbabwe Herald, accusing the US and the UK of manipulating the weather for political purposes. They have based their commentary on the US Famine Early Warning System which, shockingly, gave early warning of a famine they are experiencing.

"The prediction, which was the exact opposite of other forecasts, seems to confirm that the conspiracy to remove the Zimbabwean government has gone chemical."

Or perhaps it seems to confirm that the predictive measures utilized by the US/UK are maybe a tad bit more accurate than those in Zimbabwe, hmmm?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

In Jharkhand, forest guards are having a difficult time defending against timber thieves. Seems the thieves have a new defense strategy. When they get caught by the authorities, large quantities of women descend from their places of hiding and strip, crying for help the whole time.

The guards don't want to get in trouble with the cops for appearing to do anything inappropriate with the naked wenches, so they let the timber thieves free and run away.

"It is proving tough to deal with these women. It has almost become a regular practice for them to strip and we end up releasing the culprits to avoid trouble," said B.K. Singh, a forest official in Jharkhand's Chakulia forest.

One must wonder how many folks are now signing up to work with the forest guards, in hopes of defending against the nekkid womens ;-)

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Rachel Dunham and Rodney Tomsha had a fiery, volatile relationship. So volatile, in fact, that at one point Rachel took out a restraining order against Rod. She periodically pounded Rod, too, but he never got an RO against her.

Well, as fate would have it, they decided to get married last Thursday. Many people came to the reception, including the police - who swiftly arrested Rod for getting within 2 blocks of Rachel and tossed him in jail. Hee hee.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

In Craiova, Romania, a new law was recently passed to protect 'green spaces' (translated: grass).

Thanks to camera surveillance, the first culprits of blade stompage have been fined: two cops. The officers not only had to write out their own tickets to themselves, they had to fine themselves each £60. They have been demoted, and hopefully will change their evil ways.

2005-06-15T21:48:00.000-04:00

Puking Draws Battery Charges

So this 17 year old student at Olathe Northwest High, KS, was all worked
up at the end of the year.  So worked up, in fact, that word is he puked
all over his Spanish teacher!  David Young, the teacher, swears it was
on purpose and Puke Boy now is facing charges of battery against a
school official.

Should he lose the case, he will likely be placed on probation (no puking
on people for 6 months, perhaps) and will also be required to apologize to Dave.

Along with the misdemeanor charges, the hurling wonder has been expelled
from school and it has been recommended that he find a new place to continue
his education.

The kid's defense:  he was made ill by the stress of final exams and did
not mean to bless the teacher with his breakfast.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Hypothesis: Proven

Nathan Woodard and Nathaniel Gorlin-Crenshaw are two precocious eighth graders
in Amherst, MA.  They worked for 7 months on their Massachusetts State Science
 Fair project, investing much time and money in equipment and testing. 

Their hypothesis?  BB Guns are dangerous, can be deadly, and should not be used
by children.  Shooting into about $200 worth of ballistics gelatin, they were
able to prove how the bb's can rip through human flesh, and wanted to share this
 new information.


Seems that the Science Fair big wigs already thought that BB Guns can be dangerous.
In fact, that's the reasoning they used to deny the boys'entrance into the competition.

Nancy G. Degon, vice president of Massachusetts State Science Fair Inc. stated, "The
scientific review committee does not consider science projects involving firearms to be
safe for middle school students."

If only the kids (and their parents) had checked the rules of the competition 7 months ago.  Drat.




_______________________________________________________

2005-06-03T22:19:00.000-04:00

Link of the moment: http://chez.kek.free.fr/bordel/tronchedekek.htm Tronche de Kek. A bizarre and useless little site where you can morph this guy's face by clicking your mouse on it. It's a fair time waster. For, like, a minute.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

NonSucky Sauerwine playing in Wilmington once again.

The aging rockers in Sauerwine will be rocking the house at Stoney's Pub on 202/Concord Pike again this Saturday night ( June 4). All the cool kids will be there -- and don't you want to be a cool kid?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Thelma and Louis. Kind of.

When Marian Foulkes, an Australian octogenarian, went to get her driver's license renewed, she was turned down due to her elderly nature.

So she and her hubby Tom hopped in their car and took off to "demonstrate that they are capable people and they can manage themselves and they can drive," according to their son Paul.

Boy did they demonstrate it! The two old folk, both diagnosed with varying degrees of dementia, drove and drove and drove for about 1400 miles, evading the ever-expanding police dragnet. At one point, they were caught by the cops and had their keys taken from them - they promptly hopped on a bus and continued on.

They were finally found holed up in a hotel, and the cops put an end to their holiday. "They weren't very happy to have been caught at all, they wanted to keep going," said Paul.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

More driving fun!

In Berlin, the police received an emergency call from someone who witnessed a woman locking someone in the trunk of her car and taking off.

The cops apprehended the woman and had her pop the trunk. In there they found her 39 year old sex slave wearing nothing but a leather thong and a collar. This was, it turned out, simply automotive foreplay.

The cops decided that it wasn't safe for the boy toy to stay in the trunk and told him to sit inside the car, then sent them off to continue their fun.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Clothing for chickens

As if clothes for various pit bulls wasn't bad enough, a group of designers in Austria and Japan have collaborated to launch a line of fashion clothing...for chickens.

Several farmers have ordered chicken garb and the birds are now touring the world in a bizarre chicken fashion show, featuring 20 clothed chickens strutting down a catwalk to the music of Mozart.

Says the Austrian designer Edgar Honetschlaeger, "It's something that you don't really need but everyone wants to have anyway".

Well, you've got the first part of that right, Ed.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Smoking is Hazardous to Your Health

John Jenkens was working at a methane power plant in Blacksville, PA, and decided he wanted a smoke break the other day. So he entered a porta-potty, sat down, and tried to light a cigarette.

BA-BOOM!!!!!!!

Little Johnny and the porta potty went up in a glorious explosion caused by methane gas leaking into the unit. Johnny didn't die, but he's quite injured and he and his wife are now suing everyone remotely related to the incident for $10Million.

Lesson learned here? Don't smoke in porta potties. Porta potties have a purpose. And smokin' ain't it.

2005-05-24T19:15:00.000-04:00

Link of the day, courtesy of Chief Correspondent Lord Mutter: http://www.ihatedimes.com/

Join the coalition against dimes, the scourge of America.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Chief Correspondent Lord Mutter working over time...

Truth in Advertising

So a guy walks into a store in Taipei, thirsty as all git-out. He and his friends spy a tasty looking fizzy beverage, Bullwild Energy Drink, labeled as follows: "I am poisonous. Please do not drink."

Thinking it was a new advertising slogan, the gang buys some and - shockingly - are poisoned upon drinking it! One of them even kicked the bucket as a result. Turns out some very amusing person spiked the beverage with cyanide before putting it out on the store shelves.

Well, you can't say he didn't warn the victims.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Truly Marketable Skills

Zhang Xingquan, 38, is a Chinese man who is going places. Where, I can't say. But where ever he ends up, he's likely the only guy who can walk on eggs without breaking them while at the same time pulling a car 60 feet by his ears.

There ya go.

He's a catch, I tell ya!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The source of this specialness is a coworker one can only describe as a mildly retarded crackpot revolutionary.

http://www.verdant.net/

Only YOU can prevent consumerism's evil spread.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Smoking Can Be Hazardous to Your Health

Jeff Foran is a dirty smoker. Apparently a stupid one as well. Seems the other night, old Jeffy went out and did some serious drinking.

As his designated driver drove along the road at a conservative 55 - 60 mph, Jeffy drunkenly smoked his cigarette.

Apparently the wind blew his smig out the window.

So Jeffy dove on out after it.

Jeff smashed up his face pretty well, road rashing his nose, eyes and chin, but again the luck of the idiots ruled and he did not die.

He also did not retrieve his cigarette.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Stupid Mom of the Moment

So this woman decided to send her offspring to school at Huey Elementary School in West Philly. She got upset because her children were being bullied.

What to do? Why, what every sane and loving mother would do. According to the mom's handbook:

After picking up your children, and properly buckling them in, put your soccer mom van in gear, aim at the front door of the elementary school, and floor it.

After slamming the vehicle into the front doors of the school, mom was taken away for questioning.

Stupid.

2005-05-18T00:10:00.000-04:00

Apologies extended for the bizarre font issues I have had on here of late.
I believe I have wrestled the system into submission, but I have decided to leave things as they stand in previous postings for now. Heck, they'll archive out and all will be lovely once again.

2005-05-18T00:04:00.000-04:00

Link of the day: http://dickcheneyfanclub.com/

Take a respite from arguing about politics policy. Let's talk about something we can all agree upon: The beautiful human being that is Vice President Dick Cheney.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Demolition 101

Stinson Bailey from Benton, Ark, wanted to demolish his building and received city permission to do so. Looking at the task, he decided that a much more efficient means of demolition would be to use fire in lieu of the traditional sledgehammers and such.

After all, he'd been whacking away at the job for two days and still the building stood! So Stinson set the building aflame, totally forgetting that fires of this sort need to be...what's the word....contained.

A district fire chief noticed the burning, and let Stinson know it was a bad idea and that he was calling a fire truck to put out the fire. According to the fire marshal, "The people at the scene told him that he shouldn't be concerned about the situation and he should come back later."

He followed their recommendations and upon return, found three additional houses ablaze.

Stinson was charged with reckless burning and disorderly conduct. In his defense, Stinson states: " I would've been all right if the wind hadn't changed."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

So waaaaay back in 1994, a guy only identified as John Doe was having a fun bedtime romp with his then-girlfriend. Apparently, she attempted a gymnastics move, landed 'awkwardly' on him and...uh...broke his thingy.

In spite of immediate emergency surgery and rounds of medication and counseling, John is still having troubles. You know. Troubles. He decided therefore, to sue her.

His case has already been thrown out by Salem District Court and Essex Superior Court, but John is determined, and has filed yet again in the Massachusetts Supreme Court. He doesn’t care if it takes a CENTURY, though. He’s going to keep on fighting for truth and justice…no matter what.

Like mom always said, it's all fun and games until somebody gets hurt.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Kills Bugs Dead

Walter Mueller, a 36 year old genius from Schleswig-Holstein Germany, doesn't like bugs in his home. So the other day he closed up all the windows to his apartment and began spraying extra strong insect-spray.

He sprayed and sprayed. Spray spray spray.

Satisfied that he was now bug-free, Walt sat down at his computer to surf the web for a bit. Upon turning the computer on, a spark ignited the aerosol spray and KA-BOOM went the windows! The explosion blasted through his home and word is that debris flew up to 100 meters away!

Mueller, with the luck of the stupid, escaped pretty much unscathed. His neighbors' apartments were also damaged, and the streets were closed for hours due to the mess.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Look Out William Shatner

Much like Tupac Shakur, Pope John Paul II is pumping out music hits after his ultimate demise. Someone out there decided that it would be wise to put the pope's poetry to a disco beat and kick it out to the common populace.

Right now, his " Roman Triptych" is sitting firmly at number 3 in the Polish charts. At least 7 other pontiffy songs are in the top 40.

The Roman Catholic Church is not thrilled, and has issued a 'warning' that some of the albums that have John Paul on the cover are...using his popularity to make sales.

SAY IT ISN'T SO!

2005-05-16T23:40:00.000-04:00

This is Why the Kid Should Clean His Own Damned Fishtank

A helpful mom from Saransk, Russia, thought her son's fishtank was awfully icky and needed a cleaning. Rather than using a little fishnet to capture the pudgy goldfish she thought kiddo was raising, she decided to catch the little buggers and surprise her son with a cleaned tank.

She reached her hands into the tank and thus discovered that they were not, in fact, goldfish, but rather piranha!

Chomp chomp chomp went the fishies. Bleed bleed bleed went her fingers.

She finally got the fish off by slamming them brutally against the sides of the tank, but not until they cleaned the flesh off two of her fingers.

Silly woman.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

2005-05-15T23:09:00.000-04:00

Link of the Day: http://www.psychokitty.blogspot.com/ meow.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Chief MidAtlantic Correspondent and Lord of All Else Mutter contributes the following unsurprising information:

And They Say That Size Doesn't Matter

Washington University biologist Brian Langerhans has determined that for certain fish species, it's NOT just the motion of the ocean that attracts females to males. Not concerned with impacting other fishie egos, the female mosquito fish (kind of like a guppy) time and again goes to the male fishie with the biggest gonopodium (fishie wingding).

The females target the males with whom they wish to mate prior to actually approaching and 80% of the time in Brian's experiments, size appeared to be more important than sense of humor! "They chose the larger one over and over," Langerhans said. "All females had the same preference."

Speaking of size, though, get this: according to Brian, "gonopodium size is highly variable among livebearing fish species -- ranging from less than 20 percent of the body length to more than 70% "

That's right, folks: s e v e n t y p e r c e n t!!! Whoo hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

From Honorary Knight of the Missive Table Norvick:

Ice Cream Man Attack!

Nazzareno Didiano, an ice cream man in Pittsburgh, lost his cool last May on the wrong customer, and is paying for it now.

Word is, Nazzy was doing his job vending frozen treats when an apparently regular icecream consumer rode his bike up to make a purchase. The kid on the bike was shocked by the prices of the ice cream confections and rudely told Nazzy that he thought they were too high.

Nazzy, a tad bit ticked, responded: "I told him he didn't need any ice cream anyway because he's fat."

The kid started cussing at Nazzy, and Nazzy got hot.

Later that day, a couple of blocks away, Nazmeister spied the kid on his bike. Pulled over, and (according to the Bloomberg teen) yanked the brat from his bike, punched him, and slammed him into the wall.

Now everybody is upset.

The judge is upset that Nazzy lashed out, so he put him on probation and ordered anger management classes.

Nazzy is upset because he lost his job with Paul's Ice Cream Company.

And the kid's mom? She's upset too. Not because of the punch. But rather because now her son is 'self-conscious about his weight.'

"This has been a nightmare," she said.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

From Suddenly Contributing Broadway Buff McMillen, a follow-up:

Remember Hla Htay? The 40 year old woman in Yangon who decided to nurse two endangered Bengal tiger cubs when they were taken from their mom?

Well, best as she tried, Hla's feverish nursing of the felines was not enough to keep them alive. I'm sorry to report that though she gave her all, kitty cats aren't supposed to drink human breastmilk. Shockingly enough, it's not made for kitties, but rather for humans! So as much as Hla may have enjoyed the activity, the cubs failed to thrive because their livers couldn't process the human milk.

The female cub died April 27 and her brother died May 3.

The zoo plans to stuff the cubs and put them on display, it said.

No word as to whether or not Hla will be stuffed and displayed as well.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Popemobile Sale Not Lucrative Enough?

Greedy jobless man Benjamin Halbe put the Pope's old car up on eBay, if you recall, and the VW Golf sold for approximately $238,000US. (He bought it for about 11k)

Ben has decided that is not quite enough and is now suing eBay, claiming that dozens of people had tried to bid on the car but couldn't log on to do so.

Ben says that during the last few hours of the auction, there were "proven bidders who wanted to offer more but whose bids for higher amounts for unknown reasons were not registered on the eBay site".

Perhaps because they were imaginary?

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Twin Trouble

Identical twin brothers Olimpiu Nedelcu and Silviu Nedelcu are in hot water with the FBI. Seems Silviu couldn't make it in to work the other day, so in true Walt Disney Movie fashion, Olimpiu went in his stead.

Silviu is an aircraft refueler at the Salt Lake International Airport.

The gig was up when Olimpiu proved that he had no idea what he was doing, and was therefore fingerprinted by airport police.

2005-05-10T18:34:00.000-04:00

Today in History: May 10, 1986 - Navy Lt. Commander Donnie Cochran became the first black pilot to fly with the celebrated Blue Angels precision aerial demonstration team.

&&amp;amp;&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Link of the Day: Killing kittens. Or saving them. The choice is yours. My personal best is 5545, saved 39 kittens. But I haven't really applied myself.

http://www.mousebreaker.com/games/mmeoww/

&&amp;amp;&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Notice to Broadway Buff McMillen and Chief MidAtlantic Correspondent and Lord of All Else Mutter: David I am Not a Hippie Nemeth has launched a very impressive campaign to permanently dethrone you both. Lucky for you, not everything is missive worthy.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Widow Ordered To Pay Husband’s Mistress $116,000

After her lover of 27 years died, a mistress sued the man's widow, demanding compensation for her services.

The woman claims she and the deceased had spent at least three days a week and most weekends together, during the 27-year relationship.

Brazilian law would not allow a mistress compensation for a sentimental relationship, however, she successfully argued that she deserved compensation for her services as a maid, because when she was with the departed, she performed all domestic duties a maid would perform.

The court agreed with the argument, and awarded the mistress back wages. The damages were calculated using the average yearly salary of a maid in Belo Horizonte, multiplied by 27 years, a total award of 291.600 Reales - $116,000 U.S. Dollars.

-- Belo Horizonte, Brazil – May 10, 2005

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Nick Gonzon contributes the following:

Brazilian Town Declares Orgasm Day

Well, this notice may be late for you unfortunates who weren't aware of yesterday's significance. I can only wish you better luck next year.

Espertantina, Brazil, declared yesterday (May 9) to be official Orgasm Day. While the Brazilians see it as a holiday intended to improve relationships between married couples, here in America the holiday is celebrated in a somewhat more liberal manner, I'm sure.

Felipe Santolia, mayor of Espertantina, stated that the townspeople have been unofficially celebrating O day for years but the old stodgy mayor didn't want to make it official. Felipe, on the other hand, appreciates the idea of celebrating the big O and is happy to promote it.

Go Felipe!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Owner awarded 45K for cat killed by neighbor's dog

In February of 2004, Paula Roemer's 12-year-old kitty cat Yofi was attacked and killed by next door neighbor Wallace Gray's chow. Paula was very distressed by this, and suffered with sleep disturbances, panic attacks, depression, and somehow also was forced to start smoking cigarettes as a result of the attack.

So she sued Wally for her pain and suffering. Now, keep in mind that Wally already served three weeks in prison as well as 3 months under house arrest due to the animal control violation that led to Yofi's demise.

Apparently that punishment is not enough. Wally now must shell out $30,000 for the pet's 'special value' and $15,000 for Paula's emotional distress.

$45k for a 12 year old cat. Sheesh.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

From David I'm Gonna Win The Lottery Nemeth

So this guy Zhang just KNEW he was going to win the lottery if he played his numbers RIGHT AWAY. Sadly, Zhang had no money. What's a dad blessed with luck to do? Sell his baby, that's what!

The Beijing Daily Messenger reports that Zhang sold his little bundle of joy for about $1060US for his chance at "becoming rich overnight."

Bummer for Zhang: He not only didn't win the lottery, he's also been arrested and has to serve 10 yrs in prison to make up for his mistake. His baby? Gone gone gone...nobody knows where it has ended up.

&&amp;amp;&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Raining on My Parade. Or is it?

The weekend is coming, you have outdoors plans, and you need to be sure that Mother Nature won't ruin your good time. What do you do? Personally, I check to see what the National Weather Service says will happen.

Richard Santorum (R-PA) doesn't like that idea and has introduced a bill in which the public and law enforcement's access to the National Weather Service would be limited to only times of states of emergency. Will the kids have a snowday? Rick doesn't want you to know till you look out the window. Will the gusty winds and 2inches of rainfall dampen your weekend plans? Again: look out the window.

"Basically, we would not be able to put anything on the Internet except during a national emergency," NWSEO member Bill Hopkins said. "This will be a disaster if we're not able to put information out there."

Per Rick's law, the NWS would be able to issue severe weather warnings but would not be able to advise school districts and such about impending doom.

The bill is currently in the Senate.

2005-05-07T10:08:00.000-04:00

Today In History: May 6 1937 Zeppelin Hindenberg explodes at Lakehurst NJ, leaving 36 dead and others seriously burned. Official cause of the explosion is listed as "St. Elmo's Fire," although it probably also involved the flammable silver paint the Germans used to coat the thing. -dailyrotten

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Link of the Day: http://www.nopantsday.com/ Incumbent Chief MidAtlantic Correspondent and Lord of All Else Mutter reminded me in the nick of time about this important day...feel free to learn more about it!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Driver fined for 'having a face like a moron'

--straight from ananova

A Romanian traffic cop has been demoted after he fined a driver for "having a face like a moron and being a big monkey".

Marius Vlasceanu pulled over Gheorghe Tosa as he drove through Craiova in Romania, local daily Jurnalul National reported.

But Tosa failed to see the funny side as Vlasceanu fined him £22 and handed him a ticket explaining the reason for the fine was "having a face like a moron and being a big monkey".

Head of the Romanian police Dan Fatuloiu said Vlasceanu, who claimed he had handed out the fine as a joke, had been demoted for "inappropriate behaviour and defaming the police force".

He has now been given a desk job in a remote village.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

From Glenn Broadway Buff McMillen, in an attempt to regain his previous position, we have the following:

Absent husband returns home ... as a eunuch

New Delhi resident Nabiullah, an unemployed father of two, had a tiff with his wife. He ran away, not to be seen by family for 2 years.

Well, Nabiullah has come home and boy has he changed!

Nabiullah decided while he was away, to get himself castrated and become a singing, dancing, eunuch! Highly successful he was, and more comfortable to no longer be "suffocated in [his] body as a man."

As stylish as he was with his bright red lipstick, his wife was less than thrilled. She has now filed for divorce, stating "I cannot live with this eunuch and subject myself and my children to social ridicule."

I guess it's back to the song and dance for you, Nabiullah!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Broadway Buff McMillen desperately continues his attempts to redeem himself via this tidbit as well:

Mark McGowan Strikes Again

Mark McGowan, who has appeared in the missive numerous times for his wonderful political protests, is back in the news!

Mark's latest activity? He's planning to kiss the lips of a photo of Tony Blair 100,000 times in a mere 8 hours. Says Mark (between kisses): ""I notice he has been getting a lot of abuse, and I just wanted to show him some affection today, and 100,000 kisses seemed like a lot....I just thought being prime minister cannot be easy. Maybe it would be nice if at least one person showed him support."

He's planning his kisses in 50-peck bursts, with tiny breaks to rest his jaws and apply lip balm. As many have said under different circumstances, Mark proclaims: "So long as I can keep using my Vaseline I'll be all right."

Mark, in case you don't recall, is the dude who wandered around London for 11 miles with a 27lb turkey strapped to his head to persuade fat people to cut down on their food intake. He also rolled himself down the streets for about 4 miles singing We Wish You a Merry Christmas in an attempt to get better treatment for office workers, pushed a peanut across town with is nose to bring awareness to student debt and (my personal favorite) sitting in a bath of baked beans for two weeks with sausages strapped to his head in support of breakfast.

Edited to add on 5/6/05: As of this writing I do not have confirmation of his success or lack thereof in this latest attempt at glory.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Courtesy of David I am NOT a Hippie Nemeth...

Extreme RPS

Takashi Hashiyama had 4 really cool paintings that he wanted auctioned off, but he just couldn't decide whether to go with Christie's or Sotheby's auction house to do the deed. So, as is apparently rather common in Japanese power circles, he had the heads of the two auction houses battle it out for the privilege. With a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors.

In the RPS Match of the Century, Christie's chose Scissors. Sotheby's chose paper.

And thus is was that Christie's cut through Sotheby's and scored most mightily by auctioning off the 4 paintings for $17.8 million dollars.

It is approximated that Christie's took in anywhere from a 10 - 17% commission on the sale.

Sweet.

2005-05-07T10:07:00.000-04:00

Link of the Moment: http://www.batmobilehistory.com/index.html For those who've been wondering.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Update on the Chicago Underpass Virgin Mary

Folks in Chicago are in mourning now that the Virgin Mary can no longer be seen on one of their expressway underpasses.

Victor Gonzalez got sick and tired of the stream of people leaving prayers and flowers in front of the salt runoff stain, so he scrawled 'Big Lie' across the holy stain.

The Department of Transportation then painted over the whole mess and now people are gathering at the site to express their sorrow.

So sad. So very, very sad.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Gregory Alston was VERY upset Tuesday morning when he saw that the white Nissan Maxima he parked outside of his apartment building had been stolen. Heck, his wallet was in it and everything!

So Greg quickly called the police to report the car missing.

So sad that Greg apparently forgot how HE came to be driving said car: he stole it at gunpoint two weeks prior! Turns out that the victim recognized the car and had police tow it from the apartment complex's parking lot.

Greg is now being held on charges of armed robbery, possession of a stolen car, and a handgun violation.

Bummer he can't be brought up on charges of just being stupid.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Finders Keepers

So by now I'm sure you heard about Clarence Stowers, the dude who found a severed finger in his frozen custard in Wilmington NC. Unlike the stupid Wendy's lady's hoax, this was the real deal: shop owner Brandon Fizer had indeed lopped off his finger to the top knuckle while using the custard machine.

Clarence stomped back to the custard stand within 30 minutes of finding the offending digit, and was asked for the finger back, so it could be re-attached to Brandon's hand.

NOPE! Clarence, desperate to keep his 15 minutes of fame intact, refused to return the finger tip and hid it in his freezer, only bringing it out occasionally to display to the media. He even refused the pleas of a surgeon who was trying to assist Brandon.

Clarence has now transferred the location of the digit to another secret spot: "I'm not saying who has it, but somebody has it," the wily man said in a recent phone interview. He is retaining it due to fear of disease that he may have contracted from the stub.

Official statement from the Custard company:

"The general manager attempted to retrieve it and rush it to the hospital," reads a statement posted Thursday on Kohl's Web site. "Unfortunately, the customer refused to give it to her and declared that he would be calling the TV stations and an attorney as he exited the store."

Interesting side note: this is the second time in less than a year that this particular frozen custard machine lopped off a finger. I'm thinking it's possessed. Perhaps we'll soon hear of an exorcism at the custard stand!

2005-05-04T10:09:00.000-04:00

Today in History: May 4 1970 Kent State. 28 Ohio National Guardsmen kill four students and wound nine others at Kent State University. The Guardsmen had read them the riot act, but the students refused to disperse. So they shot them.

-dailyrotten

##################################

Link of the Day: http://web.mit.edu/adorai/timetraveler/ Time Traveler Convention! Whoo Hoo! It's slated for May 7^th (this Saturday). I've already been there and back, and let me tell you: it was/will be/is GREAT!

##################################

Continuing to show his superiority, the incumbent Chief MidAtlantic Correspondent and Lord of All Else Mutter has contributed the following important information:

GreenPeace not so green?

A bunch of tree huggers floated out on their big old ship last July to protest logging efforts in Anchorage, Alaska. While they remembered their all-important signage and guilt throwing phrases, it appears that they forgot to file certain required paperwork detailing their spill contingency plans in the event they accidentally dumped their ship's 70,000 gallons of petroleum products into the water.

Law states that if operating a non-tank vessel larger than 400 gross tons, an oil spill response plan and proof of financial responsibility must be filed at least 5 days prior to entering state waters.

Citing ignorance of the law, Greenpeace representatives pooh-pooh the issue as a minor oversight.

Interesting that they argue that they didn't know about the law when in fact they agreed to stay anchored until such paperwork was filed. The state's attorney general only went after them when they purposefully broke said agreement and floated off without the paperwork being submitted.

Crying persecution for being tree-huggers, Greenpeace claims to be a victim. However, if the tables were turned and they found out about some industrial vessel doing the exact same thing THEY did, I'm certain they'd be the first gang out there protesting.

##################################

Eat at Jo's

Australian eatery Jo's Brasserie is still open for business in spite of some truly gross out discoveries. So if you are in Australia and swing by the Oasis shopping center in Broadbeach, feel free to stop at Jo's as long as none of the below concerns you:

-- rather than removing the dead rat from the main food serving area, owner Theo Morris simply painted over it with thick red paint so it would blend with the rest of the floor.

-- a huge fungus growth complete with numerous cockroaches was discovered immediately under said serving area

-- rats, living and dead, and their fecal matter were seen all about the kitchen

Seems that patrons got somewhat peeved when they received plates with food that had been scooped up out of the trash bins. Another person got very fresh food -- fish so fresh, in fact, that it had not been gutted and cleaned prior to cooking. That person took the food home and froze it as a special souvenir of his time at Jo's.

Theo's been fined 25k personally and 5k on the business level. His shop is now reopened for business.

Mmmmmm yummy!

##################################

Prim Pom Poms

In Austin, TX, high school cheerleaders soon may be restricted to old-fashioned cheerleading routines. Arguing that the now standard 'bawdy performances' by cheerleaders create a distraction that results in pregnancies, drop outs, and STDs, the House narrowly approved a measure that will disallow suggestive performances.

Of course, it doesn't define what the performances are, specifically. Stating that "Any adult that's been involved with sex in their lives, they know it when they see it," Dem Al Edwards sees no need to be specific.

The bill passed 65-56, and is now headed to the Senate.

Boo.

##################################

Man hid turtle on his back

--straight from ananova

A Chinese man pretended to be a hunchback to smuggle his pet turtle on to a plane.

Wu, who is in his 60s, strapped the turtle to his back before boarding the plane to Chongqing.

He got through security but was then stopped by a guard who thought his hump looked odd.

A quick search uncovered the turtle which had a 20cm diameter and weighed about 5kg.

Wu, who was flying home to Chongqing after eight years in Guangzhou, said he knew he was not allowed to take live animals on board but was too attached to his turtle.

Finally, he changed plane and checked the pet in as baggage, reports the New Express.

##################################

Fashion Police

Note to self: if robbing a store, do not wear the following ensemble:

Green check elastic-waisted trousers, a 'jazzy' tracksuit top, and an electric blue sleeveless T-shirt with "Criminal" emblazoned across it in luminous yellow.

It does tend to make one stand out in a crowd, and allows police and victims to easily recognize a suspect. Seems a dude in Bedford wore just such an outfit after robbing a local shop - the shopkeeper, Neil Primett, recognized him and had him arrested.

Says Neil: ""The top really stood out. He may have thought he was being fashionable but the clothes didn't go together at all. You certainly couldn't call him a trendsetter."

2005-05-03T10:09:00.000-04:00

Today in History: May 3 1988 The White House confirms stories that President Ronald Reagan's travel and public appearances are scheduled around astrological data furnished by a mystic in San Francisco. The astrologer also supplies input to the timing of critical international events, such as a recent arms control summit in Iceland. -dailyrotten

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Announcement of Short Term Reorganization

As readers of this missive may have noticed, there has been a severe lack of contributions from one Glenn McMillen. In fact, there has been silence since his awkward obsession with new hit Broadway shows was revealed.

In light of his reduced contributions and the escalating quantity and quality of contributions by Lord Mutter, there has been a temporary reorganization of staff. Until redeeming himself, Glenn will be known as Broadway Buff McMillen, and Lord Mutter has been elevated yet higher to Chief MidAtlantic Correspondent and Lord of All Else Mutter.

A rather unwieldy title, if I do say so myself.

This decision was made strictly on the basis of contributions and has nothing to do with the more than 2400 emails received today from CMCLAEMutter and my fear of more severe repercussions if I do not give in to his terrorist tactics. Nothing at all.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Link of the day: Runaway Bride Kit on eBay! Hurry before it’s taken down!!

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=20924&item=5577585474&rd=1

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Tow of Horror

A Polish tourist in Germany was impressed by the friendliness of a German motorist who pulled over to help him after his car broke down. The German offered to tow the Pole to the next service station. How nice, eh?

So the Pole hitched his car up to the German's auto and climbed back into his own driver's seat to be able to cautiously control his vehicle while being towed.

Just a few minutes after starting up, though, the German floored it, dragging the hapless pole down the highway at speeds upwards of 100mph! Wheeeeeeeee!

They whipped around numerous other cars, and only stopped when the German slammed into a construction site.

So kids, don't accept rides (or tows) from strangers.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

So a few weeks ago I enlightened you to the wonders of automatic kitty litter boxes. Well today Lord Mutter provides the following important update in poop management:

THE LITTER KWITTER

Australian mom Jo Lapidge has developed a potty training system designed for the feline in your life.

It is a three-step process, involving a progression of a little kitty potty from its place on the floor next to the loo, up to the lid of the hopper, and ultimately balanced on the toilet seat itself. The progression includes various color-coded discs with ever-widening openings to allow the cat product to ultimately disappear into the toilet bowl to be flushed with no muss/no fuss.

Jo's lovable Burmese cat Doogal took approximately 2 months to be properly potty trained.

"Doogal has fallen in, but he hasn't fallen in by accident, he has done it playing with the water,"

Yeah. PLAYING with the water. That's it.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Lord Mutter strikes again, with this important political update:

President Lopez

Jennifer Lopez has decided that she'd "like to become the first female president -- that would be really cool."

Her platform would include increasing comfort levels: "The first thing I would do is redecorate the White House -- it doesn't look very cozy."

Go Jen -- you'd be a cool president, indeed! And Marc Anthony would be a fab first man.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

2005-05-02T10:12:00.000-04:00

Link of the Day: http://www.jebodiah.50megs.com/

Hiz nayum iz Jebodiah n he be smrut. Yep. From his 'thenkin page':

March, 16, 2005

i climbd a billbord agin the othir nite an i was drunk and fell off. the ambelince an cops came and tuck me to work. that suckt. i was drunk an hirt and they tuck me to werk. i got off the bed an startid sweapin an the boss yeled at me an toad me to go back to bed.

Good stuff, man! Gripping, truly gripping…

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Snow Men

Brandon Arp and Aric Davenport took advantage of the late April snowfall in Laramie Wisc to erect a large snow-phallus in their front yard. Neighbors found the 'art' to be offensive and destroyed it.

Now Brandon (20) and Aric (18) face charges of promoting obscenity, though Aric's lawyer says it's really not clear how the sculpture was obscene.

So sad no pictures were taken before the bullies knocked it down.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Miss Jumbo Queen Crowned

There was a big ol' beauty pageant in Nakhon Pathom (Thailand) this year: the Miss Jumbo Queen competition. It was held at the Samphran Elephant Ground and Zoo, and pulled in 24 sizeable contestants.

The winner this year was 242lb 18-year-old Tarnrarin Chansawang, described by the media as "a bubbly business student and tuba player from Bangkok."

Tarn says "I want to show people that just because I'm fat doesn't mean I'm any less beautiful or talented." Tarn competed with a mesmerizing dance number.

Also of note: a side award of "Miss Jumbo Universe" went to the heaviest competitor at the pagent, the 401 lb Thanchanok Mekkeaw.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Mmmmmmmm Chocolate

Ever wanted to know what it feels like to be a chocolate covered strawberry? Go to the Four Seasons Hotel George V spa in Paris and you can find out!

Beauty treatments include a Toffee Chocolate Wrap and a Deep Chocolate Massage. Seeing it as a rejection of the whole "chocolate is bad" health craze, women can be drenched in the delicacy and treated to a 2 1/2 hour scrub, wrap, massage treatment for a mere $400!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Danger Danger!

911 was called Thursday after someone a suspicious-looking student entering Marshall Junior High School in Clovis, NM. The student was reported as carrying something long, and wrapped up, which likely was a weapon of some sort.

The school was put on lock-down, and the students herded into the auditorium. There the principal explained what was going on. Eighth-grader Michael Morrissey realized quickly that he, in fact, was the suspicious student.

He approached the principal to explain that what likely was causing the panic was his extra-credit assignment: "We had to make up a product and it could have been anything. I made up a restaurant that specialized in oddly large burritos,"

Yes, indeed, it was his 30" burrito that was causing the troubles. The steak, guacamole, lettuce, salsa and jalapeno-filled tortilla was determined to be no risk to students, except perhaps in a gastronomical way.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Finally, Dave Matthews Band Settles Over Waste Dump Incident

Remember last August when said bus driver dumped 80 - 100 gallons of human waste over the Kinzie Street Bridge in Chicago? And the poo et al landed on hapless tourists floating under said bridge on a tour boat?

Well, at least the state battle is done: Davey will pay $200,000 to Chicago, which will be put into a fund for environmental protection and education. The band also has to keep meticulous records regarding the dumping of their waste. "The case sends a message that no one, not a rock star, no one, is above the law."

Dave and buddies still have at least 3 private civil suits pending against them, filed by the upset dumpees.

Hm.

2005-04-02T12:56:00.000-05:00

Today in History: Apr 1 1961 Jim Bakker and Tammy Faye get married! Ha ha. Getting married on April Fool's Day. Sweet.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Link of the Day, courtesy of the Euphemistic Raymond Harrington: http://walkingdead.net/perl/euphemism

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
For those in the DE/PA area: Sauerwine is playing at McCoy's on 202 (Near Marstan's furniture and that weird fireplace shop...just over the PA line on the right) TONIGHT around 9:30. This will be the last appearance of live music at McCoy's for the foreseeable future, as rumor has it that they bought a Karaoke machine at Target last week.

They (the band, not the karaoke folk) are actually quite good, in spite of that frustrated-bankers-playing-music thing. Go figure!

www.sauerwine.com

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

What a Shytty Way to Go

Martin T, a Czech tractor driver, was out on the job dumping a load of manure into a field. Word is that the 34 year old dufus somehow managed to position himself such that his own tractor dumped 8 tons of manure on him. He kind of died. His employer has this to say: "It absolutely beats me how this could happen...but it's tough to blame him now that he is dead."

So true.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Ankle Biter Stops Mail Delivery

Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds. 4 1/2 pound Chihuahuas, on the other hand...well, that's a different story.

Folks unfortunate enough to live on Guyer St in Hobart Indiana have been missing their mail of late because of a mean little dog named Bobo. Tiny Bobo has been attacking postal workers with a yippy vengeance, and they aren't going to take it any more. The pint sized pooch hasn't actually managed to sink his teeth into any carrier's legs, but the irritation factor is just too overwhelming.

"Dog" owner Vicki Seber has been cited twice for allowing her rabid runt to run amok. Hopefully soon peace will be restored and mail will be delivered.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Ms. Wheelchair stripped of title for standing up

Janeal Lee, Ms Wheelchair Wisconsin, has been stripped of her title because pageant officials say she's a poser. A poser who can STAND! The Post-Crescent snapped a picture of Ms Wheelchair Wisconsin standing with her high school math students and she has now been deemed 'not disabled enough'. According to the pageant's statement: "You've got women who are in their wheelchairs all the time and they get offended if they see someone standing up. We can't have title holders out there walking when they're seen in the public."

Until this blow, Janeal had planned to go on to the national pageant with her little sister, Ms Wheelchair Minnesota.

Now, however, little sis will need to wheel over there all alone, as Janeal has been pushed aside by the runner-up Michelle Kearney.

Er, wheeler-up, I mean.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

It's Anarchy, I Tell You!

Nazir Mohammad was in court the other day in Baroda, India, when he got tired of the slow pace of his case. He leaped out of the witness box, ripped off one of his slippers and threw it at the judge. The judge promptly grabbed a paperweight and slammed it right back at Nazir.

Due to this horrific display, Nazir has been kicked back into prison with an extra offence against him and members of the Baroda Bar Association have gone on strike to protest the lack of security in the court rooms.

Hm.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Old Fart Battered By Cop

Melvin Ainsworth donned his 49ers jacket and was on his 227th trek across the Carquinez Bridge, strolling along as well has his 77 year old body would allow. Suddenly, a cop leaped upon him from behind, and battered him such that he needed 6 stitches above his left eye, his lip was swollen, and his wrist was sprained.

Seems a very confused tipster had called the police to report that a man in his 20's or 30's was about to jump from the bridge, or had a baby dangling over the bride, and said individual was wearing a 49ers jacket. Of course, when the cop saw the slow moving septuagenarian strolling along, he knew great force was needed to stop him.

As Mel said, "They ruined my 227th trip across the bridge. The second half of the trip, I rode in an ambulance."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Memorial looks like big penis

---straight from ananova

A Dutch war memorial that goes up and down, and spurts flames may be scrapped after complaints it looks like a giant penis.

The Liberation Monument is a giant copper obelisk that rises and falls depending on the level of sunlight, and spurts flames out of the top during important festivals.

It is due to go on show in the village of Wageningen where the German capitulation was signed at the end of the Second World War 60 years ago.

In full sunlight, the erection reaches a height of ten metres, shrinking back to just six metres when the light dims.

It was due to be exposed to the public at an official ceremony in May but now village councillors say it should either be scrapped or radically redesigned.

A spokesman said: "Any association with a phallus is undesirable, whether justified or unjustified, and is to be avoided at all costs."

2005-03-26T23:24:00.000-05:00

So I've been thinking about investing astronomical amounts of money in the miracle known as the Self Cleaning Litter Box. One look at this hysterical review has stopped all consideration. Read, but don't be drinking anything as it will come shooting out your nose with extreme force.

2005-03-23T19:33:00.000-05:00

This Day in History: Mar 23, 1997 In one of Nike's most intriguing advertising ploys, 39 members of the cult Heaven's Gate committed a mass suicide while geared up in their brand new swoosh-covered sneakers.

*********************************

Link of the Day: http://www.whowouldbuythat.com/ Auction oddities from all over the web. This is a mecca of stupidity!

*********************************
From the illustrious Lord Mutter:

One Less for the Gene Pool

19 year old Christopher Seward was a thinker, he was. After some hardcore drinking Friday night, Chris got into a tiff with his neighbor, arguing over the whereabouts of a bottle of yet more alcohol. During their argument, Chris pulled out a knife and both men backed off, returning to their respective apartments.

Then around 1:22am, Chris decided to get his nasty neighbor in trouble. He called 911 and told the dispatcher that the neighbor had stabbed him. To add credibility and, well, blood to the story, Chris apparently stabbed himself as he was on the phone. Not once, but twice. Appears the second stabbing was VERY successful, and he pierced his left ventricle. It was at that point that he realized that maybe he had gone too far and started seriously screaming at the dispatcher for help.

Sadly, his self-inflicted stab wound was so well-placed that he died within 2 minutes of the piercing.

The autopsy has shown that the wounds were consistent with being self inflicted, and the neighbor has witnesses to confirm that he was safely inside his own apartment at the time of the stupidity.

I guess Chris showed HIM, eh?

***********************************
Woman marries clay pot

Savita, an Indian bride, was all ready to marry her fiancé Chaman Singh. As in, at the proverbial altar. Sadly, Chaman was stranded at the Indo Tibetan border due to heavy snowfall.

Savita's quick thinking parents came up with the perfect solution to the situation: they had her marry a Clay Pot in his stead. Word is that, with a picture of the groom placed behind the clay pot, Savita took her vows to honor and cherish the pot till the end of her days.

*********************************
War of the Worlds

Folks in Aracruz, Brazil, were terrified when they saw a fireball fall from the sky this past week. Surely this was an alien invasion! Imagine their horror and fear when they found a burnt non-human body on the ground. More than 50 folks called the police about the burnt extraterrestrial, and finally the alien was transported to a local hospital.

There doctors working triage quickly determined what so many others could not: it was in fact a burnt rubber doll.

*********************************
Hide in Plain Sight

Brandon Ray Parmer and Darrell Patrick Maxfield, of Tyler TX, needed to get their drugs. They figured out a very creative method: over a period of about 3 months, Bran and Darrell slowly took apart a house on the main street of Lindale TX.

Slowly and clumsily Bran and Darrell removed shingles, bricks, boards, etc from what used to be a three bedroom brick house until there was nothing left at all except some unsellable rubble. As they did their daily work, people walking or driving past would wave their friendly waves and shout their social greetings. And Bran and Darrell carried on.

When the police finally arrested them, they retrieved "about five trailer loads of property that came out of that house," per the police spokesman, who quickly corrected himself: "Well, it didn't come out of the house. It was the house."

******************************************

2005-03-17T20:55:00.000-05:00

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Link of the Day: This is your first meeting with an un-Earthly non-human entity: an Extraterrestrial (ET).

If you handle it well, you will be the greatest hero alive, and be able to make a fortune selling your story to the media. If you blow it, the repercussions could be unimaginably terrible, perhaps an interstellar war that could annihilate humanity.

Feeling a little stressed out? Rule Number One: DON'T PANIC. Just follow these simple guidelines, and all will be well. http://www.adrr.com/lingua/alien.htm

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From the Tree

In Tennessee, if a kid is truant, the parents have to answer for it. In Knox County this past Tuesday, there was a meeting for 582 parents of truant kids -- only 340 or so showed up.

One woman kind of showed up. Cecelia Donaldson went to the school building where the meeting was held, but refused to go inside to listen to county officials. Cece said, " I don't want to hear what Randy Nichols has to say." So she didn't. This whole situation has greatly upset her, though. Upon receiving the letter requesting her presence "I sat down and I ate three Mr. Goodbars because I was so angry."

I feel your rage, Cece, I feel your rage.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Acupuncture patient left in the dark
--straight from ananova

A German woman suffered a bad case of pins and needles when staff at an acupuncture clinic forgot about her and went home.

The 25-year-old woman, who has not been named, was lying on a treatment bed behind a screen with needles in her body when the lights went out.

"At first I thought the lights had been turned out to help with the relaxation, but then I heard the front door being locked and everything went silent," she told local media in Karlsruhe.

After her calls for help went unheeded, she said she had no choice but to remove the needles herself before calling emergency services.

"I now know why people are not recommended to try acupuncture at home, it hurts considerably more to take the pins out yourself," she said.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Totally Weird

Prisoners in the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center are dropping like flies, and are hoping that yesterday's exorcism of the building will work. Father John Llacuno was called in to clean out the evil spirits after prisoners were reported to be dying after seeing black cats or black dogs roaming inside the prison walls. Upon visiting the prison, Fr John did declare it to be 'cursed'.

Prisoners have also awoken from deep sleeps to find their heads wedged between their cell's iron bars, or body parts distorted in bizarre ways. The infirmary at the prison is chock full of folks who have been abused by evil spirits.

Officials have tried to allay prisoners' fears, but analyzing footage taken by security cameras. They have determined that the evil spooky black cat is a stray that comes in to eat leftover food. However, the cameras have also picked up a strange white light that flies from cell to cell, a light that looks like a dove, and something that looks like a footprint moving quickly on the ground. Where the lights have been at night, the inmates are ill the next day.

oooooOOOOOooooooo

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

The Buzzzzzzzz

Yet another terror scenario caused by a box in a post office vibrating and making odd noises. This time in Germany the postal employees got quite skittish and ended up phoning the cops. The cops got the sender of the package to come on down to the post office.

Upon investigation, it was found that there was a vibrating electrical device strategically placed inside a life sized female sex doll.

Dude was returning the toy to the maker, because it kept turning itself on at the wrong moment.
Hee hee.

&&amp;&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Follow up

Pacemaker Returned

Back in January, James Allan Donalson's mom croaked. Because he had been having a fight with the medical supplier of her (apparently faulty) pacemaker, Jimmy carved it out of her cold dead chest so he could keep it.

Texas authorities didn't really like that, and so they pressed evidence tampering charges against him.
So now, after 2 months, Jimmy has relented, and returned the pacemaker (cleaned). The charges have been dropped.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Firefighter Doesn't Rescue Kitty

Christopher Cortes, a firefighter from Deerfield Beach FL, doesn't much like Mr. Kibbles, a black cat owned by his next-door neighbor, Nancy Leonard.

The bad kitty scratches his pickup truck on a regular basis. So when Mr. Kibbles disappeared a few weeks ago, Nancy knew just who was to blame. Nancy says that Chris admitted stealing Mr Kibbles, driving him far away, and dumping him in the Everglades.

Bummer for Chris. 13 days later, the damned cat is back. But even though Mr. Kibbles is safe and sound, Nancy thinks that Chris should be punished. As she says, "I think he should definitely be fired. He is a firefighter and I think it's horrible that a firefighter -- you know you go to a house and see a firefighter dumping a cat instead of taking it out of a tree."

Ah, what a coherent and well-phrased argument, Nancy.

2005-03-16T20:54:00.000-05:00

Today in History: March 16, 1949 Erik "Ponch" Estrada was born. See Erik now! Still got those teeth! http://www.krxy.com/Images/Artists/erikestrada.jpg

Also, March 16, 1994, former petite figure skater Tonya Harding was arrested for obstruction of prosecution in the Nancy Kerrigan Knee Bashing debacle. See Tonya now! SCARY! http://media.mnginteractive.com/media/paper210/031504_harding.jpg

&&amp;&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Link of the Day: From the presurfer: "Amaztype is a typographic book search generator using Amazon web services.
You decide what to use (books, music or video/dvd), type in a word and that word will be generated out of book or music covers that contain that particular word." http://amaztype.tha.jp/ Kind of slow, but you can have fun typing in dirty words n stuff hee hee hee.

&&amp;&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Important news flash: Looking for a fun night out? Here's a great suggestion received today from Chief Mid Atlantic Correspondent of the Moment and Apparent Man About Town Glenn McMillen:

Spamalot the musical is coming and it will star Tim Curry! It also has David Hyde Pierce and Hank Azaria.
Going to play in Chicago and then come to Broadway.

http://www.montypythonsspamalot.com/

Articles
http://www.playbill.com/news/article/84680.html

&&amp;&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Well, this is a shocker.

FHM has made it official. Well, at least the German edition. FHM (For Him Magazine, for those who have been living under a rock) has proclaimed Camilla Parker-Bowles to be the winner of the coveted 'Least Sexy' title.

This is a fabulous accomplishment for Cammy, as last year she only ranked third on the list.

I'm thinking it's the horrid red dress that pushed her over the top.

&&amp;&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Girl Scouts Robbed

Evil Ohioans. Some adorable little girl scouts were outside of a Kroger in Columbus, OH, selling their demonic cookie wares. A lying fool came up to them and said he had never bought girl scout cookies before. (Right) As the kids explained to him about the wonders of Thin Mints, dude reached over and grabbed their envelope of $320 and then ran off.

Girls cried and shouted. Troop leaders were aghast. Krogers employees and customers alike were outraged. How were the girls to get to summer camp now, without the $320???

So Krogers took up a collection, to show the truly caring nature of the outraged people there.

The girls have no idea what they will do with the whopping $25 that was collected.

&&amp;&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Marmite ads banned

A television ad for Marmite has been pulled from airwaves during children's shows because the scary commercials are terrifying children throughout the UK. In the commercials, people are chased and apparently consumed by a giant blob of Marmite. Word is that children are now refusing to sit down in front of the telly and stare blankly at it, due to their enormous fear. And we can't have THAT, now, CAN we??

Marmite is a dark brown-colored savory spread made from the yeast that is a by-product of the brewing industry. For more information and pictures, feel free to click this link: http://www.spurgeon.org/~phil/marmite.htm#whatis

&&amp;&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Tumbling Clown Injures Canadian

Maria Miller went to Cirque du Soleil with grand expectations of amazing feats of flexibility and other circus type stuff.

Imagine her surprise when a clown tumbled across the stage and onto her, causing distress and "numerous soft-tissue injuries" (translated: she got a bruise). The rather robust clown was supposed to stop, but momentum got the best of him.

Maria is suing for personal injuries, income loss, and expenses incurred as a result of the clownroll gone awry.

&&amp;&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

The Great Shoe Mystery

Jason and Claire Foster live in a farmhouse out in Lincolnshire and have, of late, been victimized by a suspicious pair of shoe droppers. The Fosters have even caught the strange act on video: it appears that the shoe people are an elderly couple driving a green vehicle. We know nothing more.

Shoes have been appearing in sets of one to four pairs at least once a week since December. Sunday is the primary shoe delivery day. Says a council environment official who is investigating the situation: "Sometimes it's odd ones, sometimes it's a couple of pairs. But they're of all shapes and sizes. There has even been pairs of roller blades...There must have been more than 30 pairs so far - it's been going on for months."

I wonder if the shoes are at least fashionable?

2005-03-15T20:49:00.000-05:00

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Link of the Day: For the Firefox Fans out there: http://www.kuro5hin.org/story/2005/3/12/213345/995

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Sometimes, Less is More

Poor Michael Gruber thought he was pleasing his woman. Back a while ago, Mikey lost his wingding during a biking accident, and since then has been making due with a doctor-constructed item. This MacGyver-ed tool worked just fine for him and for his wife, even allowing them to create offspring.

Mikey wasn't satisfied though, and asked docs to return to the drawing board and prep him a bigger and better manstaff. Docs agreed, but explained to him that to ensure that all went well, they would have to keep organ #1 in place while organ #2 proved it was up to the task and would not be rejected by his body. Mike agreed.

While the new member was not rejected by his body, his wife Bianca was less forgiving. She took one look at the dynamic duo, packed her bags, and left.

Says the despondent Mikey: "I've got two penises but no wife, but I am hoping when I get rid of one of the penises I will get her back."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Are Greyhounds Dogs? Kansas Says No

FYI: Kansas law has confirmed: contrary to popular belief, the greyhound is not in fact a dog. It is no longer to be protected as a pet once the creature crosses state lines.

A greyhound breeder, Kevin Neuman of Overland Park, Kansas, states: "They're definitely a dog. They're a great dog."

The National Greyhound Association disagrees, stating the greyhounds are not primarily bred for pets and therefore are not dogs.

They did NOT, however, define what these creatures actually are.

I'm just so confused.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
It's a Tumor!

Trevor Smithson kept going to the doctors at the Royal Berkshire Hospital with various complaints. They all told him he was just fat and to lose weight. He was able to lose that weight quite quickly recently, when he finally went to the Royal Marsden Hospital in London.

There they discovered a 56 pound tumor that had been hiding in his body over 9 years and 3 operations.

So now the tumor is out, Trevor is lighter, and - of course - preparing to sue the health system.

No news as to whether or not Trevor named his tumor.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
YAY! Digit Loppage!

Park Kyung-ja and Cho Seung-kyu were at a protest in Seoul, being all angry and stuff about Tokyo claiming ownership of some islands that Park and Cho say are Korean. The protest was a HUGE success, drawing a crowd of approximately sixteen (16) angry Koreans.

Somehow they decided that a great way to make Tokyo stay hands-off in the struggle was to lop off their fingers. So they did. Chop Chop Chop.

Amazingly, neither their choppage or the shouts of their 14 friends seemed to have any impact upon the political talks regarding the uninhabited volcanic islands.

Who would've thought?

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch...That'll Show Em!

A 20-something chick from Paraguay is really upset about the level of street violence in her city. So she took the only logical step the other day: she went shopping at the Mercado 4 market topless.

Says chickie: "It was a difficult decision but I think that this is the most natural way of protesting."

Well then. Yes. Yes it is.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

2005-03-03T23:43:00.000-05:00

Today in History: Mar 3 1931 An English beer drinking song becomes the National Anthem of the United States.

########################
Link of the day: Link of the day: a fun game provided by the incomparable Lord Mutter. As the Lord, Mutter, states: it is a nifty diversion and more importantly, safe for work!

And a bonus link for you: information about the subterrainian alien nation, and the covert take over of planet earth!
http://www.subversiveelement.com/Dulce_Index.html
########################

From one of my favorite boobs, Harold "Milk it for all you can" Friedline:

The Perfect Mother's Day Present

You can get anything on eBay, and why not take advantage of that when searching for that special something for your special woman?

Right now on eBay you may bid on one of Tawny Peaks' old silicone implants! The wonderful 69-HH boobie enhancer can be yours, if you get your bid in quickly enough.

Tawny had them removed after she was sued in 1998 for whopping a guy in the face with the bodacious ta-tas during a bachelor party. Dude suffered whiplash from the force of the bajumbas, saying at the time that they felt "like two cement blocks".

Tawny and her titties were cleared of charges after a female bailiff from "The People's Court" inspected the lopes and found them to actually be quite soft and only about 2lbs apiece. They were therefore judged to not be dangerous.

Though you can only bid on one implant (Tawny is keeping the other for sentimental reasons), what better way to tell the woman in your life that she's a boob and you love her?
Auction ends Saturday.

#####################################

You Stink!

Eight years ago Mina, from Iran, married a wonderful man. A bit of a clean freak he was ~ showering 3 times a day and washing his hands repeatedly. But it was okay, and they were blissful.

Then over a year ago "he suddenly changed" and swore off soap and water. Dude hasn't bathed in over a year and, frankly, stinks. Mina has therefore asked for a divorce.

As Mina said in court during her divorce hearing: "My husband says he does not like water and does not want to take a shower ... He doesn't even wash his face when he wakes up in the morning... Now nobody, including me, my children and his colleagues, can stand him."
No telling if she'll get her wish to divorce: usually in Iran, women don't get granted divorces for their hubbies being stinky.

#######################################

Chilly Chile Dress Code

El Trolley bar in Valparaiso, Chile, has a great uniform for its waitresses: body paint and thongs. The brainchild of photographer Hube Salamanca, all of the waitresses are volunteers who wanted to be involved in the colorful fun.

A spokesperson for the bar said: "It was an original idea and the clients love it. It is very artistic and the girls do nothing more than ordinary waitresses."

But where do they put their 15 pieces of Flare?

#######################################

Don't MESS with Chuck E Cheese!

In Aurora, CO, Danon Gale looooooooves his Chuck E Cheese salad bar fixin's. As he filled his plate with wilted lettuce and flavorless tomatoes (and maybe even some Baco's Bacon Bits), restaurant employees confronted him and accused him of not paying for his food.

Danon became belligerent, and the cops were called. During the ensuing ruckus, the police whipped out their Tasers and stunned him to bring him down.

Parents at the kiddie restaurant are not amused. Perhaps witness Felicia Mayo, who was there with her 7 year old, put it best when she said, "They had no regard for the effect this would have on the kids. This is Chuck E. Cheese, you know."

Chuck E Cheese, indeed.

#######################################

Baby Falls into Septic Tank - Straight from the St. Petersburg Times

RIVERVIEW, Fla. - The 5-year-old twins knew something was wrong when the earth swallowed the baby. The adults knew something was wrong when the twins started screaming.
Two-year-old Isiaha Gatwood had stepped into the opening to a septic tank, dropping into 4 feet of effluent.
James Scofield, who stays with Isiaha's parents, and neighbor Perry Portee ran to the back yard of Portee's home to find out why Portee's daughter was screaming.
"The baby fell in the poopy hole," 5-year-old Tori Portee told them. By then, her twin sister, Taylor, was screaming, too.
Scofield, using a sledgehammer, broke open the hole, which was no bigger than a basketball. Portee jumped into the sludge, felt around for Isiaha and fished him out, Scofield said.

Tee hee. "The baby fell in the poopy hole." That's priceless.

#######################################

2005-02-23T00:15:00.000-05:00

Hee hee. No time to comment on the stupidity of the day, but check out this link!

Dance, White Boy, Dance!

***********************************

2005-02-19T11:41:00.000-05:00

Heartfelt apologies extended to all who may have noticed not having been spammed by me for the past couple of weeks. I have been reprimanded and have learned my lesson. I am soooooooo sorry for letting you down, and for not allowing you the few moments of distraction per day to revel in the stupidity of others. I shall repent. I am sooooooo sorry. Sorry. So so sorry.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Today in History: Feb 18 2001: Race car driver Dale Earnhardt crashes into the wall at the Daytona 500, killing him instantly and causing shockwaves of disbelief and mourning throughout the land.

Also, some years prior, a somewhat more traumatizing event: Feb 18 1933: Yoko Ono was born.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Link of the Day: News you can Use: How to make a bologna sandwich: http://www.brunching.com/idiotsandwich.html

Oh, and I found this the other day: Why John Kerry lost the election: http://www.livejournal.com/users/zete_tic/329.html

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Drive By Mime Arrested

David Honan was miming about in York, pretending to be a Ferrari Formula 1 car. Wearing a silly Ferrari uniform and holding a steering wheel, Davey ran around in the streets making stupid people laugh.

Now the cops are laughing: they managed to arrest Davey for causing an obstruction per the Highways Act.

Dave is aghast. His official statement: "What's the world coming too if you can get arrested in a shopping precinct for pretending to be a car?"

Really.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Get Thee To A Nunnery!

12 young hot nuns kicked their habits for a while, hopping onto the Club 18-30 holiday tour without telling Ma Superior where they were headed. The 22 to 31 year old nuns tossed their robes and drank the days and nights away during the 2 week fun time sleeping around with a total of approximately 43 men.

They got back, and because lying is wrong, told Ma Superior that yes, indeed, they had been slutty whores for the past couple of weeks.

Their excuse? They wanted a taste of sin.

That'll be 10 Our Fathers...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Gum Etiquette

FYI: if you have finished your gum, and can't find a trash can, and you aim to adhere to Halacha, or Jewish Law, you should just swallow the gum. This according to Rabbi Shmuel Eliyahu, the rabbi of the holy city of Safed. Don't just stick it under a table or something: even though nobody else sees it, "God knows" where it is.

Of course, if you're REALLY a good human, you won't chew gum at all. According to Shmuel: "Chewing gum is the practice of lower forms of life. It expresses inner tension and lack of control. People with self-respect do not chew gum except on special occasions because of special circumstances."

And then they swallow.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Cookie Issue Still Crumbling

Remember hearing about Taylor Ostergaard and her friend Lindsey Jo Zellitti, the evil girls who left a plate of cookies on a woman's porch last July? How they were sued by the nasty woman who lives there because said woman got all freaked out, had an anxiety attack, and wound up in the hospital? How they were ordered by the court to pay $930 in medical bills for the paranoid wench? All 'cause they were being nice and leaving cookies for the woman?

Well, now Dick Ostergaard, Taylor's dad, has filed a restraining order against the nutcase woman's husband who has been making harassing phone calls to Taylor's house.

Seems hubby is upset that his wife hasn't been able to return to her job at Wal-Mart or retain her seat on the board of the local food bank because people are mocking her for her stupidity. She's received tons of crank calls, and truckloads of packages from strangers: many containing cookies or cookie crumbs. "They've robbed us of our laughter. My spirit, my soul, is damaged."

So he harasses Taylor's family because, again, it's all about the cookies. Those damned evil cookies. Surely it's not that his wife is just an idiot.....

Hee hee

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Penguins can stay gay

The Bremerhaven Zoo is no longer going to try to break up the gay penguin couples I reported on about a week ago. These are the 3 couples that have been having trouble producing offspring, primarily because all parties are male. Bremerhaven Zoo shipped in some hot Swedish penguins to get the party started. Word is that the penguins weren't all that interested in the newcomers. But that's not why the zoo is stopping their attempts.

The zoo is stopping the 'experiment' not because it looks kind of doomed, but rather because of a large number of protests from gay rights groups against the "organized and forced harassment through female seductresses".

After all, penguins are people too!

2005-02-08T10:34:00.000-05:00

Today in History: Feb 8 1990 After "60 Minutes" commentator Andy Rooney expresses his view that "blacks have watered down genes because the less intelligent ones are the ones that have the most children", he is suspended for a month by CBS. Rooney claims the remarks are fabricated --dailyrotten

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Link of the day: http://www.backtable.org/~blade/fnord/

FNORD: "... we at F.N.O.R.D. try to make you less sick and tired of being fed up with people not being fed up with being sick and tired by providing things of various degrees of Discordian mayhem so that you can be fed up with everyone else being fed up about being sick and tired of being sick and tired and be sick and tired in a relaxed and illuminated way. "

Be sure to check out the Emergency Spanish Phrases. A couple are true keepers.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Jesus Brick: Make this the Cornerstone of YOUR House!

Ditto Dalcher, of North Carolina, was sitting in his home a couple of years ago when he noticed that one of the bricks above his fireplace seemed to have the face of Jesus staring down at him. He was happy to have Jesus' face on his wall, and thought little of it again. Until, that is, the Virgin Mary grilled cheese and Jesus in a skillet sales on eBay.

Then he decided to share his religious find in the same way.

The auction ends on Friday, and bids at this time are at $535 for the Jesus Brick. You may also bid on a picture of the Jesus Brick, if you are so inclined. http://tinyurl.com/53emy

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Harold "Bet the Farm" Friedline brightened my morning with the following tidbit:

Talk About Your Sports Nuts!

Geoff Huish is not one to go back on his word, and boy did he prove it. An avid Welsh rugby fan, convinced that his team would lose to England as they have for the past 12 years, told fellow drinkers at his pub that "If Wales win I'll cut my balls off."

Bummer for 26 year old Geoff. Wales won. So he right away hustled home, lopped off his little boys, and walked back to the bar to show everyone that he is the king of follow-through.

He's now in the hospital for both his physical and mental problems.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Nature or Nurture - Penguin Style

Keepers at the Bremerhaven Zoo in Bremen, Germany, just figured out why their penguins aren't reproducing, and dagnabbit they're doing something about it. DNA tests were run on 3 sets of their penguins to see why no chicks had been produced. According to the zoo director, these birds had been mating for years, and one childless couple had even adopted a stone that they raised as their own little egg. The tests showed what caused the problem: 3 of their 5 penguin couples are gay partnerships.

The zoo director, Heike Kueck, has imported four hot Swedish female penguins to seduce the gay birds and is hoping to see some baby chicks pretty darned soon. If, however, it turns out that the homosexual birds are happy in their current relationships (which actually is somewhat expected), Heike has a back-up plan: two straight male penguins are flying in as well, "so that the ladies don't miss out altogether".

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

If You Like Pina Coladas, And Getting Caught in the Rain....

Bakr Melhem was bored in his marriage to Sanaa, so he hooked up virtually with a chick on the internet.

Said chick went by the name of Jamila and her interests included reading. Whoo hoo! Bakr went by the name of Adnan, and Adnan and Jamila fell in love over the internet. They flirted online and their relationship blossomed. So they arranged to meet at a bus station.

Boy was Bakr/Adnan surprised when he saw his internet vixen: Jamila was Sanaa!

Unlike the wussy Rupert Holmes song http://users.cis.net/sammy/escape.htm , Bakr was ticked off at his wife's deception.

He immediately became enraged and declared "I Divorce Thee" three times, thus ending their marriage by Islamic law. Word is that she screamed 'liar' at him right before she fainted from the shock.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

2005-01-28T00:44:00.000-05:00

Today in History: Jan 27 1945 Soviet troops liberate the Auschwitz and Birkenau concentration camps in Nazi occupied Poland.

Perhaps more importantly though, Jan 27, 1997: Pat Boone goes heavy metal.

###############

Link of the day: Cool. Muppets Overtime. Might take a little extra time to load, but it's neat. http://www.joeytomatoes.com/muppetsovertimeoriginal05.htm

###############

Not So Sucky Band at Bankshots Saturday

Those frustrated bankers are at it again, this time rockin' the house at Bank Shots in Wilmington. From what I understand they may even have a CHICK singing with them this time. The dudes are dragging in their original drummer (some guy named Matt Frost) and even an extra guy on guitars. Like a REAL BAND or something!

So if you are looking for something to do Saturday night and you are blessed enough to be living close to Wilmington, DE, swing to BankShots around 9:30 or so. Sauerwine, the not so sucky band, will play till 11ish and then some other not so sucky band, The Relay, will magically appear to play their version of "music".

###############

Students Arrested Over 'Violent' Stick Figure Drawings

Two evil children from Ocala FL, aged 9 and 10, have been stopped by police (whew). These two scary children drew "violent drawings of stick figures", and therefore were charged with the 2nd degree felony of making a written threat to kill or harm another person. They were taken out of school in handcuffs.

They had drawn big mean scary pictures of stick figures hurting another stick figure, and were using these pictures to scare the wits out of another child. The kid being bullied by the pictures went to his teacher, who went to the dean, who called the cops to arrest the big mean bully boys.

The well-phrased comment from the police spokesman is as follows: "When an adult or even myself look at the picture looked at it at first I was thinking there is really not much to the picture or I would not be that scared by the picture those children drew. However, we have to put ourselves in his mind and that's the bottom line here. It is his well-being and the way he perceived that picture to be. It actually put him in extreme fear and he was in fear for his life."

Wow. My entire grade school class would have been arrested, I think.

I wonder if kids can still play hangman, or if it offends sensibilities and scares illiterate people.

#######################

At Least One Sane Person in Milwaukee

The Wisconsin attorney general has tossed out the ridiculous suit filed by the kid who didn't want to do summer homework. If you recall, kiddo and daddio thought it violated his rights that the teacher would expect him to continue using his brain during the summer months, so they filed suit demanding that the students be allowed to decide whether or not to do summer homework. (See, some kids have 'demanding' summer jobs as ice cream servers, Rita's employees, camp counselors...no time to think there!)

The atty general said pish posh on this unmeritorious suit and says that Dad and Kid should cough up the money to pay for the court's wasted time.

#######################

Expense Report

If you're going to do a crime, try to make it be in the Netherlands. There, criminals are allowed to claim the cost of their weapons used when robbing places, or claim wear and tear on their vehicles if they're drug dealers who have to drive a lot.

Recently a 46 year old bank robber was able to claim the $3400 he spent on his weapon against the gross proceeds from the heist. Based on that, his fine was reduced and so was his jail time. As the Netherlands' legal folk say: "You can compare criminal acts to normal business activities, where you must invest to make profits, and thus you have costs."

Only hitch: per Gerard Sta, national director of the Office of Criminal Assets: a criminal's costs must be directly related to the crime, and not just day-to-day expenses. "A second condition is that the criminal offence must be carried out,"

Good to know.

###########################

2005-01-25T23:57:00.000-05:00

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Link of the Day, courtesy of Lord Mutter: http://www.channel4.com/entertainment/tv/microsites/P/peoplesbookofrecords/lift.html

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Dating Etiquette 101
Rule #1: Don't rob your date before asking her out.

Local boy Brent Brown, 25, and his buddy Andre Moore, 18, his robbed their New Castle County (DE) pizza delivery wench. Taken by her beauty and poise, not to mention extremely speedy delivery service, Brent called her up on his cell phone to apologize and to ask her out on a date.

Pizza Chick said no, and gave the phone number to the cops. She also picked Brent out of a photo lineup, further sealing his fate.

So now Brent is dateless and arrested and only has some empty Domino's pizza boxes to show for his efforts. So sad.

Brent's official statement: "I'm innocent. I work every day. I have no reason to rob the pizza lady."

No reason, indeed. It's not like it was Papa John's pizza or anything.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Driving Etiquette 247
Rule # 72: Don't Eat and Drive

Sarah McCaffrey was happily driving down the road in South Tyneside, England, in December of 2003. She was hungry, so she munched on an apple. She held the apple in her right hand as she navigated, albeit not smoothly, a left hand turn. And so her plight began.

Sarah was pulled over by an aggressive cop who THOUGHT she was using a cell phone. When he saw that she wasn't, he still gave her a ticket for eating while driving. Sarah thought that was stupid, so she appealed.

10 hearings later, after review of aerial photos, video from police aircraft, and a police car's video recording of the chewing incident, Sarah's case was decided yesterday. She has been fined $111.80US for her infraction.

The British Police have incurred approximately $24,385USD in trying the case.

Money extremely well spent, to keep the roads safe from fruit eaters.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Scary Picture Hospitalizes Old Woman

Mrs. Wang was toddling out of the supermarket the other night, and started making her way down an alleyway. Suddenly, she saw what she thought was a wild tiger in her city streets. She screamed. She turned. She ran. She slipped. She fell. Heavily.

As people ran up to assist Mrs. Wang, she pointed down the alleyway stammering" "Tiger, tiger, there's a tiger."

She actually should have stammered: "painting, painting, there's a painting inside that calligraphy and paint shop there."

D'oh!

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Stripping Cops Okay!

In Houston, TX, the cops are tired of the prostitution. So tired, in fact, that they have put a new policy in place to allow undercover vice cops to strip down nekky if that's what it takes to get the john and/or the prostitute. Now that they can strip down to their birthday suits, the cops are having a better success rate, snagging 56 evil doers in November.

I guess that's their equivalent to casual Fridays.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Riiiiight...

Ian Finlay is such a good citizen. Tired of the police stings that keep catching sexual predators, he went online and pretended to be a predator himself. Then, knowing that the purported 15 year old girl he'd been exchanging drrrrty words with was actually a cop, Ian turned up at the sting to turn the tables. He's extremely upset that the Hempfield, PA police arrested him before he could explain his grand plan.

I think he should sue.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

2005-01-21T00:09:00.000-05:00

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Today in History: January 20 Alan Hale Jr, "Skipper", dead of thymus cancer. And he never got off that dagnabbit island, either.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Link of the Day: http://www.trygve.com/viagra.html Viagra for Windows. Just silly and wrong.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Getting Out of Jury Duty

Poor defense attorney Leslie Ballin had a rough time trying to get a jury built for a recent case. The Tennessee lawyer was working on a trial involving a woman accused of hitting her brother's girlfriend in the face with a brick. When meeting up with the jury pool, Leslie was presented with the following non-team-players:

-- one dude who just got up and left, declaring "I'm on morphine and I'm higher than a kite."
-- another dude who announced that he had been arrested and taken to a mental hospital some time ago. Seems that when his nephew wouldn't come out from under the bed, dude tried to shoot him.

-- another one who was disqualified for having been arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover cop.
-- and this dude: he said that maybe he shouldn't be selected because "In my neighborhood, everyone knows that if you get Mr. Ballin (as your lawyer), you're probably guilty."

Oh, chickie did get a not-guilty verdict from the final jury.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Gargantuan Baby Born

Francisca Ramos dos Santos, of Sao Paulo Brazil, needs to return any infant clothes she received at her baby shower. She has just given birth to a monstrously large child: 16.7 pound Ademilton.

"Obviously the baby was born by caesarean section," hospital director Rita Leal said. "Both mother and baby are doing just fine."

'Nuff said. Wow.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Boy stuck to a pole

A silly 9 year old boy in Wytheville, VA, couldn't take it any longer the other day at the bus stop. So he stuck out his tongue and tapped it against a metal pole. Where of course it stuck. Kiddo stayed stuck to the pole for a while, waiting for his dad to bring some warm water to break the hold. When asked by a local cop if he was going to try this again, kiddo said "uh-uh".

Good boy.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

That Stinks!

Stabburet is a producer of canned fish in Fredrikstad, Norway. One of their specialties is canned mackerel filets in tomato sauce, lovingly nicknamed "Plane Crash" because of the shiny fishies in the blood red liquid. In the processing of Plane Crash, a special heating technique is used to preserve the fish. Someone accidentally missed 1650 cans though. So the little fishies were rotting in their cans. Last week, the pressure inside the cans finally got too be too much and BAM! Fishies and Guts and Tomato Sauce EXPLODED in the warehouse. SCHTIIIIIIINKY! Official word: "It was a highly unfortunate accident."

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Goodbye, Lucky

Two years ago while out walking, Billy Gibbons found a chicken ~~ a chicken near certain death. Billy rescued the chicken, and brought it home to roost. Billy named the chicken Lucky and was pleased to see it thrive under his love and care. One day, Lucky came across a calculator and tapped five numbers into it. So Billy played those numbers in the lottery and won!

What a special chicken!
Billy loved the chicken dearly up until last week, when he forgot to lock Lucky's coop.
And a fox ate Lucky.
Billy has already finished mourning and is moving on with is life, trying to train his surviving hens how to pick out winning lottery numbers. Sadly, Billy states, "It's not quite the same."

So sad.

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

2005-01-13T20:43:00.000-05:00

Link of the Day: So the other day Sir Norvick and I were babbling and he mentioned the wonders of the EVP craze. Having apparently been living under a rock for the past year or so, I was uninformed. Not so any longer. In case there are any other sub-rock dwellers out there, observe and learn: http://www.ghoststudy.com/new/evp.html

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Un PC Teddy Bears Upset Crazy People

Vermont Teddy Bear Co is in hot water because of their limited edition "Crazy for You" bear. The cute, cuddly, $70 bear comes dressed in a straitjacket and even has its commitment papers with it. Mental health folks have taken offense, saying that the stuffed animal with its punny paraphernalia 'stigmatizes persons with mental illness'.

Vermont Teddy Bear says that's just nuts, but they have stated that they will discontinue the special limited edition 2005 valentine's bear after February 14th.

The mental health folks have agreed to this concession.

Hee hee.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Time to Find a New Beach

Waah. Apparently people in Melbourne, FL, have been abusing the privilege of wearing a thong on the beach. That's right, folks: thong attire is a privilege, not a right and DON'T go thinking just anybody can wear a thong in public because that's JUST NOT RIGHT and can be downright offensive. But where was I...oh yes...

So Melbourne City Council has now voted unanimously to outlaw the thong and to reduce the city's adult entertainment zone from 937 acres to a measly 40 acres. And don't even get me started on the sad fate of the American Association for Nude Recreation in Kissimmee (AANRK).

It's just too much to...bare >rimshot<.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Another Yahoo Born in Romania

How sweet. Nonu and Cornelia Dragoman, from Medias Romania, met each other over the internet. They communicated for 3 months then met in person and got married. They just had a little baby. In honor of how they got together, Nonu and Cornelia have named him....Yahoo.

Specifically, "We named him Lucian Yahoo, one name after my father and the other from the computer. These were the two elements which guided my life."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Another Special Romanian

A man from Iasi, Romania, had a little dog. His neighbor had a big dog. His neighbor's big dog used to bark alllllll through the night. So the man from Iasi decided to poison the big dog. He bought some strychnine and injected it in some food. He tossed the food to the dog. "Die, dog, die, " he thought.

The big dog wouldn't die. So the man from Iasi has gone to consumer protection officials to complain. The consumer protection agency is looking into it.

So the next time you purchase and use some strychnine, and it doesn't have the fatal results you hope for, just dial up your local consumer protection agency and complain. They'll take care of everything.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Excellent

An Austrian bank robber walked into a Croation bank. He gave the cashier a note that said, "I have a bomb, give me the money." The cashier pretended she doesn't understand him. (Such a sly woman she was) So he said it aloud. She kept making him repeat it louder and louder until in utter frustration he shouted at the top of his Austrian lungs "I HAVE A BOMB - GIVE ME THE MONEY."

The bellowing woke up the armed security guards who slammed him to the ground and help him till the cops came.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Get Your Snot Here!

It's not too late for those of you who have been wanting to buy a giant ball of snot. James Robert Ford has now decided to part with this 'Bogey Ball', a brussels-sprout-sized wad of mucus he has been collecting for two years. Because his snot is a unique part of his body, and totally unique, he has placed a high price on his boogers.

The Bogey Ball can be yours for no less than...$20,000.
Ew.

2005-01-13T00:08:00.000-05:00

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Link of the Day: Here he comes to save the day!! From the ubiquitous Lord Mutter: http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=1297444
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Ali G Comic Ticks Off Cowboys

Comic Sacha Baron Cohen, most known for his character Ali G, has struck again! This time under the guise of Borat Sagdiyev, a stupid and bumbling dude from Kazakhstan.

Borat was introduced to the audience at a rodeo in Salem, VA, as an immigrant touring America who had a message. The message he then said, in halting and broken English, included his sincere wish: "I hope you kill every man, woman and child in Iraq, down to the lizards. And may George W. Bush drink the blood of every man, woman and child in Iraq."
The cowboys started grumbling at that.
Then Borat sang The Star-Spangled Banner, messing up the words and finishing with the phrase "your home...in the....grave".
That was when the cowboys got really really really mad. As stated by a local DJ, Robynn Jaymes, "If he had been out there a minute longer, I think somebody would have shot him." The rodeo producer managed to get him out of the stadium, for fear of a cowboy riot.

Ah, brings back memories of Andy Kaufmann....

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

What I Did Last Summer

Last June a couple of Gettysburg High students thought it would be really funny to bomb their Pennsylvania high school. So one of them swiped his dad's plane and the other one got a big bucket of eggs. The buzzed over the school and let loose with the eggs BAPPITY BAPPITY BANG, causing quite a panic on the ground. In fact, while they were buzzing around downtown Gettysburg (looking for a target?), panicked officials even evacuated the top floors of a hotel for fear of bombing (egging).

The kids would have gotten away with it, as fog prevented the cops from reading the plane's tail number, but they started bragging to friends about their summertime antics. So now they are charged with risking a catastrophe and reckless endangerment. Plus there's the small matter of flying a plane without a license.

Loose lips sink ships.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Oh, Hey: Breaking News

The US Government has published their latest findings and recommendations on healthy eating and lifestyles. Shockingly, they recommend paying attention to caloric intake, eating whole grain foods, eating up fruits and vegetables, drinking lower fat milk, and exercising. Smoking is bad for you and alcohol consumption should be limited.

Wow. This is new information. I find that difficult to believe. This conversation is over.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Location Location Location

Rubin Cornejo from Reading, PA, wanted to have a pig roast in spite of the fact that it is...what's that word....WINTER. So he gathered 13 of his buddies together, got a bunch of propane torches going in the basement and started roasting the piggy in the downstairs of his house.

The party had to be cancelled, however, after he and all of his friends got carbon monoxide poisoning. Who would've thought?

He received a citation, but no fine, and has been warned to remove the equipment immediately and never have another pig roast inside his house again.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Actor Shortage

Not since the Wizard of Oz have little people been in such demand. Producers of a new series of Dr Who shows have had to stop production due to a lack of people of stature appropriate to play little blue aliens. They're all over doing Harry Potter's new film or the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory remake!

Note: new phraseology required for little people/dwarves/munchkins/whatever. The official terminology according to the theatre world is: Persons of Restricted Growth.

Remember that.

2005-01-06T21:23:00.000-05:00

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Link of the Day: http://www.moviemistakes.com/bestof2004.php "Best of" Movie mistakes 2004. I love these things. Now I have to rent all these movies again to see the errors. Dag!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Lord Mutter provides this tasty story...

Poor Austin Aitken couldn't stomach what he saw on Fear Factor the other night. Watching contestants chow down on dead rats purportedly caused his blood pressure to quickly rise, making him dizzy and light headed. And when he "ran away to his room" (to avoid the dastardly tv), Austin "bumped his head into the doorway." I know, I'm shocked too.

So upsetting was this entire event that Austin has filed a suit against NBC for $2.5 million. Per Austin's lawsuit, ""To have the individuals on the show eat (yes) and drink dead rats was crazy and from a viewer's point of view made me throw-up as well."

But don't try getting Austin to speak about his trials and tribulations: he has declared that he is only available on a paid-interview basis.

Pssst...Austin...two words: "remote control".

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Super Trooper Meow

So this guy in St George UT accidentally shot himself in the calf with a nail gun, and was driving lickety split fast as can be to the hospital, as his life's blood gushed out of his leg. UHP trooper Ben Lang noticed the speeder, put aside his donut, and commenced to chase him down.

Ben bellowed over a loud speaker to the dude to pull over. Rather than pull over, dude got out of his car at a stop light. Ben ordered him back into his car ('cause he didn't PULL OVER, see), so dude proceeded on to the hospital. There he was treated, and arrested for not stopping when ordered. D'oh!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Another Obscene Christmas Morning

This time it was little Diamond Robinson, 9, who received a vulgar-phrase-carrying gift Christmas morning. Diamond was happily looking at her ugly new Cabbage Patch Doll's birth certificate and such when she noticed the serial number (which is alpha numeric) spelled out F*CKME.

"She was like, 'Dad, you need to see this.' She showed it to my wife and my wife called me and they showed it to me and I couldn't believe it," said Lucius Robinson, Diamond's dad.

Play-Along, the company that makes the dolls, swears that the number and thus the phrase was generated by a computer without human intervention.

Put THAT puppy up on eBAY!
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

2005-01-06T01:05:00.000-05:00

Today in History: January 5, 1995: Connie Chung broadcasts Kathleen Gingrich's opinion of Hillary Clinton: bitch. Much celebration and excitement ensues.

Also on this day, in 1998, Sonny Bono smashed into a tree that leaped out in his path while skiing. Bye Bye Sonny.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Link of the Day: The Complete Story of Life on Earth:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Update on the sad sad story of Beki Stewart, the kid with the obscene Monsters Inc GameBoy game. Lord Mutter did additional investigation last evening and has advised me that in fact, Beki's dad gave her a bootleg/blackmarket/illegal copy of the game for Christmas.

So it wasn't Disney! It was the Evil Doers that Mark decided to do business with. Ha HA!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dog Support

So this woman in Italy got divorced from her hubby, with him ending up paying her child support for their two children. Not satisfied with that, the wench went to court to obtain an order instructing him to pay support for their dog Pepi. Somehow the insane woman swayed the judge and now the ex gets to pay support for the food and vet bills that Pepi incurs to the tune of many hundred bucks per year. Ugh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Speaking of Dogs...

Chiclet, a Brazilian pet care firm, has launched its latest product to rave reviews: chewing gum for dogs. I can't picture my beagle chewing gum, but hey. This gum is actually made of edible leather and looks like a bone. Chiclet says it serves to destress the dogs and clean their teeth.
Strange. Sounds like a regular old chew toy to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have it Your Way...NOT

A 22 year old mystery man got ticked off at a Burger King in Sandy, PA. He went through the drive through and requested fries. Went told that they ran out, dude went ballistic, cursing out the staff and flipping the burger flippers the bird. Then he noticed that a couple of the employees had walked out to the parking lot to jot down his license plate number. So he floored it and nearly slammed one of them. Cops picked him up on Rt 255, but not after he fought with them and kicked out the back window of the police car.

The man WANTED his fries.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I Want A Ride and I Want It Now

James Brown (no, not THAT James Brown) was visiting New Orleans and really really really wanted to get to the bus station. So he picked up the phone and dialed 911. Cops raced out to the phone booth where the call originated and there they found James, threatening to kill someone if he didn't get a ride to the bus station. Cops tried to reason with the dude, but it was hopeless. So they plopped him in their car and took him for a ride: to the slammer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Hic*

A 67 year old man from the Bulgarian city of Plovdiv was knocked over by a car and taken to the hospital. At the hospital, doctors spoke to the still-conscious inidividual and determined that he was a touch intoxicated. Astronomically intoxicated. Buddy had a Blood Alcohol Content of 0.914 ~ almost double what is usually considered life-threatening! Docs ran the tests 5 times to be sure they were seeing straighter than their patient and yup, that's the BAC. Buddy was treated for minor head injuries and is in stable condition.